For many of us who are shy or introverted, dating might feel impossible.
We might not enjoy the bar & scene for meeting women. A lot of other people are naturally sociable and just seem to “accidentally” fall into relationships, while we might go several months (or even years) before meeting a girl that we’re interested in talking to.
Holding a conversation that flows with a woman we like can also feel daunting. Just talking to her without creating an awkward silence or running out of things to say is hard enough. On top of that, how are you supposed to make the conversation funny or flirty?
If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone!
This is an actual recognized psychological phenomenon called “love-shyness” coined by Brian Gilmartin in 1987 that describes the tendency of shy people to be:
“Single…not by choice, but because their shyness prevents them from fulfilling their strong desire for a romantic sexual relationship and marriage. In fact, the mere thought of casually interacting with [members of the opposite sex] is enough to produce extreme anxiety.”
(It’s worth noting that Gilmartin claimed that only men can be “love shy”. Later studies debunked this claim.)
So, how do you find love if you’re a love-shy person? Is it impossible for people like us to get into fulfilling relationships?
Not at all!!
Believe it or not – being shy or introverted can actually be attractive to women!!
Why shy men and introverts are sexy AF!!
So, I’m painfully shy. And my wife is…not.
People sometimes ask my wife how she ended up with a shy person like me. How on earth can we be compatible if we’re on complete opposite ends of the introvert-extrovert spectrum?
I’ll go into more detail below but the simple answer is…my shyness won her over!
How do you feel when you’re shy? Like, internally?
For a lot of us, we feel our hearts beat a little faster. Maybe our hands get a little shaky or sweaty. You might get that feeling like lemonade in your stomach. We may end up having a crush but trying to act uninterested or not show it too much because we’re not sure how she’ll react.
I’ve felt this way a lot. I don’t think it ever truly goes away. I still feel shy from time to time. The trick isn’t to “get rid” of it your shyness but to learn how to manage it and still be functional.
Try taking a more curious approach to your shyness. What’s causing you to feel shy? Some possible reasons are:
- You don’t know how to talk to her
- You haven’t had a lot of dating experience before
- You’re just “naturally” feeling shy
If your shyness comes from something you can directly control, then try changing it!
For example, if you’re nervous because you don’t know how to talk to women…learn how to talk to women. Read some articles on how to hold a conversation. Practice in front of the mirror or even with a trusted friend.
Sometimes your shyness comes from things you can’t control. Maybe you’re feeling some self-doubt if you’ve never had a girlfriend or even been on a date before! My recommendation here is to be gentle on yourself. Don’t try to suppress those thoughts or push them out of your head. Instead, just sit with those thoughts and let them bounce around in your head. And then take action anyway!
Watch this video for more on how to be confident if you’ve never had a girlfriend:
What makes shy men so attractive
Shy men are genuine. By definition, people are shy are things when they really care about the outcome. There’s a few times in my life where I can remember being painfully shy…
- During an important interview
- Giving a presentation in front of the class
- Talking to a woman that I liked
…and that’s because I genuinely cared about making a great impression in these moments.
You know who’s not shy? Pick-up-artists. Men who use the same pickup line on 20 women in a row because they care more about stacking their phone with numbers than they do making a genuine connection. Shyness is endearing! It means you actually care about her.
Shyness, nervousness, and blushing around her makes her feel positively about herself as well. It shows that she’s having an effect on you, which makes her feel more sexy or attractive. And she’ll remember that you’re the one who made her feel that way.
Shy men also don’t open up to everyone. So, when you finally find someone that you can open up to then it sends a clear signal to her that she’s special. She gets to see a side of you that most other people do not. That makes her feel like a great catch!
Why introverts are AWESOME at dating
Introverts build deeper relationships than extroverts. We listen! There’s a classic trope where a girl tells a guy about her problems and he immediately comes up with a list of ways to “solve” her problem, when she really just wanted someone to hear her out. Guess what? An introvert can tell you the difference when she wants a problem solved or when she just wants to be heard. That’s attractive!!
Introverts are more introspective and self-reflective We pay attention to her cues to know when we’re getting it right with her. We put a lot of thought into how we show affection and we pay attention to what’s meaningful to her. Extroverts can barely stop talking long enough to hear what she wants. Introverts pay attention to what makes her feel loved and we do it!!
Introverts are a bit mysterious. There’s an air of mystery around us because we don’t open up very easily. Like a good TV drama with a plot full of twists and turns, this makes her want to learn more about you. Women naturally want to be “the one” who finally gets to understand you!
Introverts are non-needy. Extroverts crave attention and constant stimulation. Introverts are chill and relaxed. We are easy to be around!! Bring your problems and we’ll lend a helping hand/listening ear. Or, just kick up your feet and sit with us in comfortable silence.
Introverts are the best at deep conversations. Forget about small talk. Introverts are the best at holding deep conversations that cultivate meaningful connections. Sometimes a girl can talk to an introverted guy for hours and later be surprised to learn that he was an introvert! We want to learn about her opinions, backstories, and feelings. We want to know about the things that she cares about and what makes her…well, her!!
Tap into your introvert superpowers
How to care for your introverted self
If you’re an introvert, you’re going to “people” a bit differently than extroverts do.
Not better. Not worse. Just different.
It means being around other people drains your energy, and being alone recharges your batteries. Dating is, by definition, an activity performed around “other people” so you’ll have to pay extra attention to self-care.
Introversion is an innate part of your personality and not something that can be changed. You’ll never be able to flip a switch inside your brain and change the way it works. But, why would you want to? Research shows that introverted leaders outperform extroverts (yes, really!)
Be protective of your alone time. Remember to schedule “date nights” with yourself! Block off a few nights every week where you do something alone that recharges you. Play that video game. Read that book. Pour yourself a glass of wine and binge watch that TV series! You’re going to have less time for all these activities once you start actively dating, so it’s important to set boundaries and make time for yourself.
When you do go out of your room and start going on dates, one-on-one interactions are going to be your forte. A coffee shop, intimate restaurant, or even a fun activity together with your date is a great idea!
If you do get dragged into a group date activity, try to focus on one person at a time. My wife is very extroverted and I’m an introvert, so when we go out in group settings together she tends to mingle with other people and I try to find one or two other cool people to pull aside for one-on-one conversations. I play “spot the introvert” and see if I can find some other people with similar personalities to hang with.
Dating ideas for introverts
When it comes to meeting women for introverts, try hanging out around introvert-friendly areas. A wonderful choice is online dating (which you can do from the comfort of your own room. Introverts rejoice!)
Another approach is to think about what you find interesting and go there. Is there a hobby you’ve always wanted to pick up but never got around to it? Perhaps you’ve always wanted to pick up guitar? Okay, then pick up that guitar and can find a guitar group on Eventbrite or Meetup who get together and play music together or talk about music together.
When you do meet someone interesting, you’ll want to take her to a low-key venue where your introverted strengths can really shine! Dinner at an intimate restaurant is a classic choice because it lets you focus on her one-on-one in a setting where you can have deep conversations.
Another great idea is her to play some sort of gaming activity, such as mini-golf, bowling, or even bars & clubs centered around board games! These are a bit “louder” but it’s totally fine because you still get to have fun one-on-one. It’s easy to break the ice when you’re interacting with each other and having fun.
Have some good conversation starters ready! For introverts, it’s easy to “blank out” and run out of things to say when you’re nervous and talking to someone you like. Don’t try to come up with topics on the fly. Instead, do a mental rewind of everything interesting that happened to you during the week and have it prepared so you can naturally talk to her about it.
And for emergency situations when you’re out-and-about but your introvert batteries are running low on steam…the “Introvert Recharge Pod” is always an option!
Flirting for shy men & introverts
What comes to mind when you think of “flirting”? Probably furtive glances, winking, touches, and double entendres. Making the conversation overtly sexual very quickly. The kind of behaviors you might see in the bar or club scene.
These always felt weird to me as an introvert.
The good news is, you never have to use these behaviors if they feel inauthentic to you! Simply being polite and showing a sincere interest in her are also valid forms of flirting – and they are even MORE effective than those bar & club behaviors mentioned earlier.
Shy men & introverts might have a few close friends rather than a large group of acquaintances they barely know, but those relationships are deep and profound. We lead with empathy and are fiercely loyal to those we care about.
Flirting as an introvert is best done in a one-on-one interaction. Encourage her to talk about herself and deeply listen to what she has to say. Learn something meaningful to her, write it down, and come back to it later!!
When my wife and I were dating, she told me that she used to be an athlete in high school. So, I later bought her a tennis racket as a birthday gift and signed us both up for tennis lessons at the local recreation center. She still says that’s the most thoughtful birthday gift she’s ever received.
That’s the power of flirting like an introvert!!
Dating for shy men & introverts
So, can shy men be successful with dating and find love? Absolutely!!
Now, there’s a difference between being a little shy and having shyness so crippling you can’t talk to people at all. If you have shyness that feels like a “force field” physically stopping you from talking to people then you’ll want to explore where it’s coming from. Is there some unresolved trauma? Maybe it’s worth talking to a mental health professional.
But a little shyness is okay. It might not ever go away. They’re part of your personality after all! The trick isn’t to make it go away, but to learn how your brain operates and make it work for you.
After all, there are many unique strengths that shy men and introverts bring to the table when it comes to dating. A little shyness can even be endearing! It shows you truly do care about her, and it helps her feel relaxed as well.
Maybe she was also feeling shy! You never know.