Most flirting advice misses the mark for introverts. Here’s why.

What comes to mind when you think of the term, “flirting”? You probably think of things like winking, furtive glances, small touches with plausible deniability, innuendo, or double entendres. You know…the kind of things people might do in the bar & club scene.

This always scared as an introvert back when I was looking for love because:

1. Those types of behaviors always felt “rude” to me as a gentle, introverted soul
2. Bars & clubs were among the least enjoyable places for me, up there with the DMV and the doctor’s office

Would I simply have to adopt a bunch of new behaviors that felt unnatural to me so I could find love? Or was I doomed to stay single forever?

The good news is I didn’t have to use those flirting tactics associated with the bar & club scene. Like, at all. Turns out those behaviors described above are only one style of flirting – and science says there are five distinct types (Playful, Physical, Polite, Sincere, and Traditional).

Those bar & club flirting tactics described above are also the ones that were LEAST likely to result in a long-term relationship (only around 12 percent according to Dr. Jeffrey Hall). The flirting styles that were MOST likely to result in a long-term relationship, on the other hand, are the ones that introverts naturally gravitate to!

There’s a “4-step Flirting Process for Introverts” that I recommend. I can vouch for this process because it’s the EXACT one I used to win over my wife! It goes like this.

The 4-Step Flirting Process for Introverts:

1. Find your “flirting personality”
2. Adopt the flirting tactics that work best for introverts
3. Watch for signs that she’s interested in you
4. Escalate flirting into a relationship!!

So, which specific techniques should you use to flirt with women? That’s going to depend on your “Flirting Personality” (yes, that’s a real thing proven by science).

The first step is to identify your Flirting Personality.

Step 1: Find Your Flirting Personality

In his 2013 book  The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want, Dr. Jeffrey Hall identified five different types of flirting:

• Playful: Flirting for fun without any expectations that it will lead to sex or a relationship.
• Physical: Flirting through body language and sexual communication.
• Polite: Flirting through proper manners and nonsexual communication.
• Sincere: Displaying sincere interest in the other person to develop an emotional connection.
• Traditional: Displaying interest through traditional courtship rituals and behaving in ways that are “gentlemanly” or “ladylike”.

Your Flirting Personality is a combination of one or more of these styles that best suit you. Some people might look at this list and know right away which flirting styles are best for them. You can also take an online test to determine which ones you are here. It’s similar to the Myers-Briggs and my results were polite + sincere.

They’re fairly self-explanatory, but for more detail on each of them check out this excerpt from my premium training program, Talking to Women:

Turns out that simply “being polite” and “showing genuine interest” are both scientifically proven forms of flirting! In fact, they actually rank ABOVE the playful bar-and-club styles of flirting in terms of effectiveness.

And to top it all off…those are the styles that introverts are naturally the best at!!

In fact, the study’s author Dr Hall himself specifically recommends the polite style for introverts. He writes about polite flirts,

“They are concerned about their friends and make sure that they are there in their time of need. They are also a bit introverted. Polite flirts don’t need to be the center of attention. In social interactions, they would prefer things to be a bit more controlled and formal.”

Sound like you at all?

That’s why so much popular flirting advice misses the mark for introverts.

A lot of mainstream flirting advice leans heavily on physical or playful flirting: approaching women in bars and clubs, memorizing pickup lines, or getting touchy-feely with someone you’ve just met. Those tactics can work for people who want lighthearted fun, short-term romance, or a more casual connection.

But for introverts and highly sensitive people, that style can feel forced, uncomfortable, or completely out of character. Many of us don’t enjoy using the bar and club scene to find romantic connections. We’re often looking for something more meaningful than casual flings: real connection, emotional depth, and intimacy with someone we genuinely care about. Crude or overly sexual flirting can feel off-putting rather than appealing to introverts.

Now that you understand your flirting personality, the next step is to identify which tactics suit you.

Step 2: Use the flirting tactics best suited for introverts

So, was there a class on flirting that I missed when I was younger? Sometimes my friends would even tell me that I’ve failed to notice that a girl was flirting or even openly hitting on me, saying it was obvious she was doing do. I never really believed them because to me, it just seemed like they were being friendly.

If you’ve ever felt this way, the good news is you’re not alone! Studies show that the two biggest factors behind “involuntary singlehood” are:

• Not knowing how to flirt with other people, and
• Not knowing how to recognize when other people are flirting with you

Gee, thanks science!

So, what behaviors are you looking for? Which ones were most likely to result in a long-term relationship then? How do you know what the “best” way to flirt is to find love? And how can you recognize when someone else is using those behaviors so you can flirt back?

A new, landmark study (​Kennair et al., 2022​) aimed to answer those questions. They analyzed 466 participants and found the top 10 most effective flirting tactics for both men and women looking for both short-term and long-term mating contexts.

And this is good news for introverts and people who might be quiet or shy, because the tactics best suited for long-term mating are also the ones that fall into the polite + sincere styles of flirting for introverts!

The top 10 most effective flirting tactics for men looking for a long-term relationship are:

• Making her laugh
• Spending time with her
• Showing interest in conversations with her
• Engaging in deep conversations with her
• Smiling
• Kissing her on the mouth
• Saying “I love you”
• Complimenting her
• Laughing at her jokes
• Having dinner with her

It’s scientifically proven that “showing interest in conversations”, “engaging in deep conversations”, and “spending time together” are some of the BEST ways to cultivate long-term mating. A polite smile also goes a long way!

But wait…

What about winking, sideways glances, small touches with plausible deniability, innuendo, or double entendres? You know…the kind of things people might do in the bar & club scene??

Turns out they’re not really that important!

This makes sense intuitively. When it comes to finding a girlfriend, wife, romantic partner, etc., a lot of us want someone that we’re not only sexually compatible with but also someone who can also be our “best friend” and share love and fun times with – including deep conversations that explore each other’s beliefs, opinions, backstories, and feelings.

What the sincere + polite style looks like in practice

Try to discover something she genuinely enjoys sharing about herself. One of the best ways to do that is by asking open-ended questions, especially questions that invite her to explain why she feels or thinks a certain way. When she opens up, really listen to what she says. Then, keep the conversation going by asking thoughtful follow-up questions or by connecting what she shared to something from your own life.

If she’s interested in you, she’ll probably want to learn more about you as well. Just as you’re looking for topics she’s excited to talk about, she may be looking for the same thing from you. Do you have a job you’re passionate about? A memorable adventure? Something unusual you recently read or experienced? Share it with her. Let her see what brings you energy and enthusiasm.

When you’re talking to someone you’re interested in, it can also help to notice her flirting style. Try to respond in a way that matches her style while still staying true to who you are. For example, my extroverted wife took the flirting styles test and her results were playful, physical, polite, and sincere.

My own style is sincere and polite. Since we both value sincerity, we connect well through deeper emotional conversations. She is also much more physically affectionate than I naturally am, but I make an effort to match her energy in that area because I know it means a lot to her.

That said, if matching her flirting style feels forced or inauthentic, or if your styles are very different, it may be worth asking yourself whether the two of you are truly compatible.

Example sincere + polite scripts you can steal!!

Here are a bunch of example scripts you can use as an introvert to apply the sincere + polite styles of flirting. You can either recite them verbatim or change them up a bit and make them your own. Enjoy!

Opening the Conversation

• “Hi, my name is […] What’s yours?”
• “Hi, what brings you here?”
• “Hey, what are you up to?”
• “Hey, I thought you looked cute and I had to say hi.”

When it comes to opening the conversation, the key is to be friendly and authentic. Don’t use a pickup line unless you can pull it off authentically, and don’t sweat the opening too much. What she’ll remember about you is how you made her feel, not the specific words you used to begin the conversation.

Keeping the conversation going

Questions you can ask about her

• “So, what brings you here?” “What are you doing?” “How’s your day going?”
• “Is this your first time coming to [place/event you are at]?” or “Do you come here a lot?”
• “What kinds of things do you like to do?”
• “Where are you from?”
• “Did you see/play/read the new [popular movie/game/book?]”

After opening the conversation, you can ask some contextual questions based on where you meet her and what she is doing. For example, if you meet her reading in a bookstore or coffee shop then you can ask her what she is reading or kinds of books she likes. These types of questions serve to break the ice and help warm up the conversation.

Responding to her answers

• “Really? Why is that?”
• “How/when/where did that happen?”
• “What do you think about […]?”
• “That reminds me of a time when I…” “Something similar happened to me too when…”

Here’s where we go a little deeper and build rapport. When she responds to a contextual question, you can try asking open-ended or “why?” questions about her responses, thus implicitly inviting her to talk more about herself and sending the message that you care about what she has to say.

Try to gauge her energy level as she answers your questions. You want to find something that she would be excited to tell you about herself. If she becomes enthusiastic then listen to her and encourage her to keep talking. Otherwise, try changing the subject by asking a different question.

Alternatively, you can relate her response back to one of your own experiences. This helps build rapport by showing that the two of you have something in common. As before, make sure you pay attention to her energy levels. Don’t get too carried away talking about yourself (nobody likes a “me-monster”!)

Responding to her questions

If she asks something like: “What do you like to do for fun?” then you can say:

• BAD: Sports. I like to play sports.
• GOOD: I like playing softball with a group of my friends from college. We always meet up on Saturday mornings to play ball and one time, I hit the ball so hard that it…
• BAD: Reading.
• GOOD: I really enjoy reading in my spare time. My favorite book is Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson. It’s an adventure story about pirates but what I really liked about it was how the main character…

If she starts asking you questions about yourself then that means she is interested enough in you that she wants to know a little more about you. Good job! This is your implicit invitation to start talking about yourself.

Answer her questions by providing some interesting details about yourself, as opposed to just a few words (otherwise she could just get the same amount of intellectual stimulation by asking a Magic 8-Ball the same question.) Pay attention to her reactions and energy level as you talk about yourself. Don’t get carried away and dominate the conversation by making it entirely about you.

What about the playful + physical styles?

It’s worth covering these styles for a few reasons:

• Although most introverts fall into the polite + sincere styles of flirting, some find that the playful + physical styles suit them as well.
• Sometimes you find yourself in a bar or club as an introvert because your friends dragged you there.
• And in some cases, you may even find yourself talking to a playful + physical flirt even if you’re not one yourself!

This is true for my wife and I. She took the flirting styles test and her results were playful, physical, polite, and sincere. In this situation I recommend trying to mirror her flirting style as much as you can while still being true to your own personality.

The top 10 playful + physical flirting tactics for men are:

• Making her laugh
• Smiling
• Having sex with her
• Kissing her on the mouth
• Making body contact
• Showing interest in conversations
• Dancing with her
• Laughing at her jokes
• Complimenting her
• Moving in closer to her

If your flirting personality includes the playful + physical styles or you find yourself in the bar & club scene talking to someone who is also this type of flirt, then I’d suggest adopting some of those tactics listed above.

What about the Traditional style of flirting?

The traditional style of flirting is culture-specific. Some traditional flirts will find certain behaviors appealing such as…

• The man planning dates, taking the lead, handling the check, and holding doors open for her
• The women acting coy and sending subtle hints to be pursued but never making the first move herself

…and some other traditional flirts might care less about behaviors such as those!

For example, I come from a Chinese background and my wife’s parents are very traditional. It was a big deal for me to ask them for their blessing before I asked my wife for her hand in marriage. Our culture also looks favorably toward men who own real estate.

The traditional style of flirting varies between cultures. Some of you might read that above paragraph and think I’m describing behaviors from another planet. And that’s okay!

Here’s what I recommend:

• If you are a traditional flirt, then you probably already know what behaviors to use based on your culture
• If your partner or their family is traditional, then try to understand their culture and follow it as much as you can, while still being authentic to yourself
• And if none of you are traditional, then don’t worry about it!

Now that you understand what flirting tactics are best for your flirting personality, you’ll also want to watch out for signals that women might use to show interest in you!

Step 3: Watch for signs that she’s interested in you

Here are the Top 10 flirting tactics that women might use for both short-term and long-term mating contexts. I recommend looking this over so you know when she might be interested in you:

For long-term mating contexts (sincere + polite), it goes:

• Making him laugh
• Showing interest in conversations with him
• Spending time with him
• Engaging in deep conversations
• Kissing him on the mouth
• Smiling
• Making body contact
• Laughing at his jokes
• Saying “I love you”
• Having dinner with him

And for short-term mating contexts (playful + physical), it goes:

• Having sex with him
• Kissing him on the mouth
• Rubbing against him
• Making body contact with him
• Moving in closer to him
• Dressing sexy
• Dancing with him
• Dressing to impress
• Touching his arm
• Laughing at his jokes

So, if she’s interested in you in a romantic way then she’ll be more likely to show interest and engage in deep conversations with you. Additionally, she might also display behaviors such as moving in closer to you or touching your arm.

She might ask you open-ended questions about yourself:

• “What are your hobbies?”
• “What do you like to do?”
• “What’s your favorite movie/book/music?”

This is a sign that she wants to know you on a deeper level. She’s trying to better understand who you are.

Watch for flirting signals like these that show she’s interested in you – especially deep conversations & laughing at your jokes! Try making her laugh, spending time with her, talking to her, and smiling at her. Put yourself out there enough and you just might find someone who likes you back.

Is she flirting or just being friendly?

So, how do you know if she’s flirting or just being friendly? I’ve had tons of deep conversations with platonic, female friends. I’ve also had female coworkers touch my arm, laugh at my jokes, and even give me a hug.

Here’s the key: you’re not looking for a specific set of flirting behaviors from her, but rather an escalation of suggestive behaviors with plausible deniability.

If someone is going out of their way to engage with you—touching you more than usual, holding eye contact a little longer, teasing you often, or laughing at your jokes—it might be flirting, or it might not. Flirting often leaves room for plausible deniability, which lets either person back off without making things awkward.

Maybe they make frequent eye contact. Maybe they seem genuinely interested in what you have to say and ask a lot of questions. They laugh at your jokes, even the bad ones. Perhaps they find small excuses for physical contact. You might even notice them lingering around you longer than most people do, or looking for chances to speak with you one-on-one. This could mean they wish for more quality time with you!

To figure out whether they are actually flirting, you can escalate—but only a little—so you still leave room for plausible deniability. For example, you might lightly touch their arm, hold eye contact a bit longer, or respond with a playful compliment of your own.

If they respond by escalating in turn, then you are probably flirting! If they do not change their behavior, seem uncomfortable, or pull back, then they were likely just being friendly, and you should take the hint and ease off too.

But if they seem receptive to your signals, you can eventually be more direct: ask for their number, make a clear move, or simply tell them that you are interested. Here’s what that might look like.

Step 4: How to escalate flirting and move into a relationship

Each of the Top 10 flirting tactics for long-term mating implies a different level of commitment. Here’s the list again – this time, ordered from Most Committal (top) to Least Committal (bottom).

• Saying “I love you”
• Kissing her on the mouth
• Having dinner with her
• Spending time with her
• Laughing at her jokes
• Making her laugh
• Engaging in deep conversations with her
• Showing interest in conversations with her
• Complimenting her
• Smiling toward her

To escalate flirting into a relationship, you’ll want to start with one of the flirting tactics at the bottom of the list and work your way towards the top. One example of what that might look like is:

1. First, you smile at her and give her a compliment
2. Then you have a couple of great conversations with her
3. You decide that you had a great time with her, so you ask her out for dinner
4. After knowing her for a while, you kiss her and eventually say “I love you”

It’s worth noting that “making the other person laugh” and “laughing at their jokes” show up as two of the BEST flirting tactics for both men and women looking for long term relationships. As a rule of thumb, if someone laughs at your jokes then there’s a very good chance they find you attractive!!

That’s especially true if your joke sucked but they still laugh.

The other day, my toddler climbed into a laundry basket and started SCREAMING at the top of her lungs for no apparent reason. I tried calming her down several times but she kept yelling as loud as she could. I told her,

“Sweetheart, if you keep screaming like that your hair’s going to turn yellow!!”

My wife burst out laughing. I felt good about myself because I thought my joke was awesome! After she caught her breath, however, she said,

“I don’t get it. Why would her hair turn yellow?”

Gee, thanks hon.

As the relationship progresses and you’re getting to know her better, flirting is no longer about suggestive behaviors with plausible deniability, but instead about continuing to show up for her and letting her know that she’s special to you.

As my friend Ruby Love puts it, a great way to do this is with thoughtful actions, words, and humor. For example, my wife always told me stories of how she was an athlete back in high school. But as she grew older, she became burdened with adult responsibilities and didn’t play sports as much as she used to.

So, for her 32^nd birthday I bought her a tennis racquet.

Not jewelry, flowers, or anything fancy like that.

Just a tennis racquet.

Years later, she still tells me that’s the best gift she’s ever received!

That’s the power of the Four-Step process of Flirting for Introverts:

1. Find your “flirting personality”
2. Adopt the flirting tactics that work best for introverts
3. Watch for signals that she’s interested in you
4. Escalate flirting into a relationship!!