Most flirting advice misses the mark for introverts. Here’s why.

What comes to mind when you think of the term, “flirting”? You probably think of things like winking, furtive glances, small touches with plausible deniability, innuendo, or double entendres. You know…the kind of things people might do in the bar & club scene.

This always scared as an introvert back when I was looking for love because:

1. Those types of behaviors always felt “rude” to me as a gentle, introverted soul
2. Bars & clubs were among the least enjoyable places for me, up there with the DMV and the doctor’s office

Would I simply have to adopt a bunch of new behaviors that felt unnatural to me so I could find love? Or was I doomed to stay single forever?

The good news is I didn’t have to use those flirting tactics associated with the bar & club scene. Like, at all. Turns out those behaviors described above are only one style of flirting – and science says there are five distinct types (Playful, Physical, Polite, Sincere, and Traditional).

Those bar & club flirting tactics described above are also the ones that were LEAST likely to result in a long-term relationship (only around 12 percent according to Dr. Jeffrey Hall). The flirting styles that were MOST likely to result in a long-term relationship, on the other hand, are the ones that introverts naturally gravitate to!

There’s a “4-step Flirting Process for Introverts” that I recommend. I can vouch for this process because it’s the EXACT one I used to win over my wife! It goes like this.

Continue reading How to flirt with women as an introvert →

For a long time, I didn’t know how to flirt at all. I knew flirting was important because it shows her that you’re romantically interested, but I just had no idea how to do it. It was embarrassing for me because I had assumed that knowing how to flirt was something that everyone was naturally able to do.

Well, everyone except me that is.

Eventually, I came up with my own way of flirting that’s authentic to my own introverted self. It’s gotten me dates and meaningful relationships naturally without making me feel sleazy or like a pickup-artist. If you’re like my past self and you have no idea what flirting is or how to do it, then I’m going to show you in detail how I personally flirt.

Just in case you were too embarrassed to ask.

Continue reading How I personally flirt (seriously just do this if you don’t know how to flirt!!) →

How do you tell the difference if she’s flirting with you or just being polite? I was always horrible at that.

My friends would sometimes tell me that “such-and-such” had a crush on me, or that another woman I was talking to actually was trying to hit on me, but I never really believed them. I thought my friends were just trying to be nice and “psyche me up”. It just seemed like the women I was talking to were simply being friendly.

Looking back I think a lot of it was just fear of rejection. I would psyche myself out of it and tell myself “she’s probably just being friendly”, “she’s probably not interested”, or “she probably already has a boyfriend” even when in hindsight it was obvious that she was flirting.

• One time, a female friend texted me at 10pm saying she was going through a rough break-up and asked me if I was free that night. I told her “No, it’s late. I’m going to bed. See you later.”
• Another female friend invited me to her apartment for board games, cooked dinner for me, and then spelled out “want sex” on a Scrabble board. My response? “Okay, that’s +19 points for you.”

And that’s why I was single for so long…

So, how do you know when someone is flirting with you? And how do you flirt back?

Continue reading The “best” way to flirt — according to science →

So, was there a class on flirting that I missed when I was younger? It seemed like everyone else already knew how to do it and get into relationships. And whenever I tried to get advice, all I heard was “learn to flirt” with no explanation.

Today I have both a long answer and short answer for you. The long answer is quite technical and scientific…but it’s also a great read so I’d recommend checking it out when you got a sec.

And for the short answer—

I’m going to do something I don’t usually do and recommend a specific flirting technique that you can use today from former-pickup-artist Mark Manson’s book Models called “cold reading”.

Now, I have A LOT of contempt for PUA and it’s not something I would typically touch with a 10-foot pole. It’s also been scientifically proven that everyone’s flirting style is also different, so recommending a specific flirting technique for everyone—especially one from the world of PUA—seems like a weird thing for me to do.

So, what gives?

I’ve previously written that dating advice which appears independently in multiple places—especially outside of the realm of dating advice—is generally worth following. Cold reading happens to fit that bill. In the book Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss describes a similar technique he calls “labeling” or “tactical empathy” that he used to negotiate with hostage-takers back when he worked for the FBI.

You might even see this sort of technique in the world of competitive gaming (yes, really) where it’s called a “hard read” or “reading your opponent”. I’ve done it myself in many online competitions.

Seem like something worth knowing? Let’s get into it!

Continue reading Don’t know how to flirt? Try doing this!! →