I’ve been wary of writing about how to tease women for a long time because there are a lot of sleazy ways to do it. Too many dating advice gurus and pickup artists will tell you to “neg” her by giving her a backhanded compliment so that you lower her self-esteem until she decides to go out with you.
Ugh! It grinds my gears that this type of advice even exists.
Ultimately, I decided to write about teasing because it is a valid form of flirting and there is a way to tease women respectfully. And I think it’s about time that someone wrote about how to tease women in a way that is both non-sleazy and respectful.
The most important thing to remember when it comes to teasing is to do it respectfully.
Respectful teasing is: playfully insulting her without intending to hurt her feelings
Respectful teasing is NOT: insulting her with the intention of actually hurting her feelings
Only jerks tease women by belittling her and trying to undermine her self-confidence. Instead, you want to tease her respectfully. Always be conscious of her feelings. A respectful tease involves saying something slightly edgy or irreverent that will catch her off guard, but without making her feel uncomfortable or offended.
For a long time, I didn’t know how to flirt at all. I knew flirting was important because it shows her that you’re romantically interested, but I just had no idea how to do it. It was embarrassing for me because I had assumed that knowing how to flirt was something that everyone was naturally able to do.
Well, everyone except me that is.
Eventually, I came up with my own way of flirting that’s authentic to my own introverted self. It’s gotten me dates and meaningful relationships naturally without making me feel sleazy or like a pickup-artist. If you’re like my past self and you have no idea what flirting is or how to do it, then I’m going to show you in detail how I personally flirt.
(Warning: Vulgar language ahead. Usually I don’t like swearing, but I directly quote pickup-artistry in this post because I want to argue against it)
A few days ago, I was traveling in Seattle, Washington. The traffic there is notorious for being bad, and I had the fun experience of being able to enjoy it firsthand. I was driving along one of the streets downtown and saw was a green traffic light in the intersection in front of me, about 20 or 30 feet away.
“No problem,” I thought as I pressed down on the gas pedal. “I’ll make that with time to spare.”
As I approached the intersection, the car from the adjacent lane suddenly pulled in front of me—without signaling—and stopped right there. My foot slams on the brake, my Starbucks coffee begins to spill out of its cup, and my car makes a horrible SCREEECH noise as it continues to slide ever so slowly towards the car in front of me. I close my eyes and cover my face with my arms.
A deafening silence pierces the next few seconds. I cautiously lower my arms to see the damage. There was none. My car had come to a stop mere centimeters away from the one in front of me. The driver who cut me off was busy texting away on her phone, completely oblivious to the destruction that she almost caused.
I’m a calm and gentle person by nature and it takes a lot to get me angry. So, when something does get me ticked off then you better believe it’s a big thing.
This ticks me off. Buckle up because it’s about to get real.
One of my readers had an interesting question. He showed me a few articles written from some popular dating coaches about how to tease women, which talked a lot about how teasing is “super important” and how it’s the “main form of flirting” and how you absolutely NEED to be good at it or else women will only see you as a friend. Then, he asked me what I thought. How important is it really to tease women?
For what it’s worth, I disagree with those coaches.
Getting a first date can be hard. Getting that second date can be harder.
I’ve had a lot of first dates with women I met online that have not led to second dates. I’ve had women tell me that they didn’t feel a romantic connection. I’ve had women tell me that they’d rather be friends. I’ve had women agree to go on a second date and then later cancel on our plans.
And, occasionally, I’ve had women just stop texting me altogether.
When you meeting her from the internet for the first time, how do you have a great first date with her so that she’ll want to have a second date with you?
Note: This article was originally published on sosuave.com
Let’s talk about confidence.
Women always say that they love confidence in guys. As I was growing up, it always felt like women would always go for the guys who were more confident and outgoing. Whenever I had a crush on someone, most of the time I would be too scared to ask her out. My mind would tell me things like “she probably already has a boyfriend,” and if I did try to talk to her then I would become super awkward and would barely even be able to say anything.
This makes it especially difficult because as men, we’re the ones who are expected to be the initiators when it comes to dating. It’s up to us to take the first step and ask her out, to go for the first kiss, to ask her to be exclusive, to say the first “I love you”, and so on. And this can mean having to step way, way out of your comfort zone. How are we supposed to be confident when it comes to dating, then?
I’m not going to give you some generic advice such as “fake it until you make it” or “just be confident.” You’ve probably already heard that enough times already. Instead, I’m going to show you the three steps that I used to finally become confident around women.
When I first started looking for love, I noticed that one of my friends who I always saw getting dates had the opposite personality as I did. He is very extroverted and he loves to surround himself with people all the time. When he talks to women, he is very aggressive and makes the conversation overtly sexual very quickly.
That’s not me at all. I’m introverted, reserved, and gentle. After watching my friend succeed seemingly all the time while talking to women, I started to become afraid that I would have to change my personality to be more like his if I ever wanted to get a girlfriend.
I tried to behave more like my friend. However, I didn’t achieve any success even though I was basically doing the same things he was. I also started to feel like I was being an actor by going against my own personality.
I really used to suck at picking up signals from women. There have been times where my friends would tell me that I’ve missed having a woman flirt or even openly hit on me, saying that it was obvious she was doing so. But I didn’t realize it at the time because to me, it felt like she was just being friendly.
Also, I’ve been told months after the fact that a woman I knew really liked me but I never made a move so she ended up thinking I wasn’t interested. This really surprised me because I had no idea that she was interested in me at all.
Even though the year is 2017 and we’re in the 21st century, the gender role still holds strong that a lot of women still expect us guys to make the first move. It’s up to us to go talk to her, ask her out, go for the first kiss, and so on.
So, how do you know if she wants you to approach her? Here are a few signs that she might use to show that she is interested in you:
As I was growing up, it always felt like women liked the guys who were more confident and outgoing. Whenever I had a crush on someone, most of the time I would be too scared to ask her out. My mind would tell me things like “she probably already has a boyfriend,” and if I did try to talk to her then I would become super awkward and would barely even be able to say anything. The one piece of advice I heard over and over again for being confident was to “fake it until you make it” but that never helped me at all.
This makes it especially difficult because as men, we’re the ones who are expected to be the initiators when it comes to dating. It’s up to us to take the first step and ask her out, to go for the first kiss, to ask her to be exclusive, to say the first “I love you”, and so on. And this can mean having to step way, way out of your comfort zone, especially as an introvert. How are we supposed to be confident when it comes to dating, then?
Here are three things I learned about dating that helped me to be more confident around women.
Where do we go to meet women, especially after we’ve graduated college? To bars and clubs? Between the huge crowds, loud music, and obligatory drinking, they’re just not my style. And people are actually expected to find romantic connections in such an environment? Count me out! As introverts, we’d really rather just go home and read a book, do some exercise, or just watch TV instead of going out and socializing.
Unlike extroverts, we’re less likely to just “fall” into a relationship. We’re not shy people, but we can only be social for so long before we need to relax on our own again. Where do we go to find someone to date, then?