Most flirting advice misses the mark for introverts. Here’s why.

What comes to mind when you think of the term, “flirting”? You probably think of things like winking, furtive glances, small touches with plausible deniability, innuendo, or double entendres. You know…the kind of things people might do in the bar & club scene.

This always scared as an introvert back when I was looking for love because:

1. Those types of behaviors always felt “rude” to me as a gentle, introverted soul
2. Bars & clubs were among the least enjoyable places for me, up there with the DMV and the doctor’s office

Would I simply have to adopt a bunch of new behaviors that felt unnatural to me so I could find love? Or was I doomed to stay single forever?

The good news is I didn’t have to use those flirting tactics associated with the bar & club scene. Like, at all. Turns out those behaviors described above are only one style of flirting – and science says there are five distinct types (Playful, Physical, Polite, Sincere, and Traditional).

Those bar & club flirting tactics described above are also the ones that were LEAST likely to result in a long-term relationship (only around 12 percent according to Dr. Jeffrey Hall). The flirting styles that were MOST likely to result in a long-term relationship, on the other hand, are the ones that introverts naturally gravitate to!

There’s a “4-step Flirting Process for Introverts” that I recommend. I can vouch for this process because it’s the EXACT one I used to win over my wife! It goes like this.

Continue reading How to flirt with women as an introvert →

For a long time, I didn’t know how to flirt at all. I knew flirting was important because it shows her that you’re romantically interested, but I just had no idea how to do it. It was embarrassing for me because I had assumed that knowing how to flirt was something that everyone was naturally able to do.

Well, everyone except me that is.

Eventually, I came up with my own way of flirting that’s authentic to my own introverted self. It’s gotten me dates and meaningful relationships naturally without making me feel sleazy or like a pickup-artist. If you’re like my past self and you have no idea what flirting is or how to do it, then I’m going to show you in detail how I personally flirt.

Just in case you were too embarrassed to ask.

Continue reading How I personally flirt (seriously just do this if you don’t know how to flirt!!) →

How do you tell the difference if she’s flirting with you or just being polite? I was always horrible at that.

My friends would sometimes tell me that “such-and-such” had a crush on me, or that another woman I was talking to actually was trying to hit on me, but I never really believed them. I thought my friends were just trying to be nice and “psyche me up”. It just seemed like the women I was talking to were simply being friendly.

Looking back I think a lot of it was just fear of rejection. I would psyche myself out of it and tell myself “she’s probably just being friendly”, “she’s probably not interested”, or “she probably already has a boyfriend” even when in hindsight it was obvious that she was flirting.

• One time, a female friend texted me at 10pm saying she was going through a rough break-up and asked me if I was free that night. I told her “No, it’s late. I’m going to bed. See you later.”
• Another female friend invited me to her apartment for board games, cooked dinner for me, and then spelled out “want sex” on a Scrabble board. My response? “Okay, that’s +19 points for you.”

And that’s why I was single for so long…

So, how do you know when someone is flirting with you? And how do you flirt back?

Continue reading The “best” way to flirt — according to science →

So, was there a class on flirting that I missed when I was younger? It seemed like everyone else already knew how to do it and get into relationships. And whenever I tried to get advice, all I heard was “learn to flirt” with no explanation.

Today I have both a long answer and short answer for you. The long answer is quite technical and scientific…but it’s also a great read so I’d recommend checking it out when you got a sec.

And for the short answer—

I’m going to do something I don’t usually do and recommend a specific flirting technique that you can use today from former-pickup-artist Mark Manson’s book Models called “cold reading”.

Now, I have A LOT of contempt for PUA and it’s not something I would typically touch with a 10-foot pole. It’s also been scientifically proven that everyone’s flirting style is also different, so recommending a specific flirting technique for everyone—especially one from the world of PUA—seems like a weird thing for me to do.

So, what gives?

I’ve previously written that dating advice which appears independently in multiple places—especially outside of the realm of dating advice—is generally worth following. Cold reading happens to fit that bill. In the book Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss describes a similar technique he calls “labeling” or “tactical empathy” that he used to negotiate with hostage-takers back when he worked for the FBI.

You might even see this sort of technique in the world of competitive gaming (yes, really) where it’s called a “hard read” or “reading your opponent”. I’ve done it myself in many online competitions.

Seem like something worth knowing? Let’s get into it!

Continue reading Don’t know how to flirt? Try doing this!! →

It’s been a while since my last newsletter, huh? At Quietly Romantic headquarters, there’s a tradition where if I go too long without writing anything new then I get to share an embarrassing story.

This one tops anything I’ve shared before.

Several years ago, I had a female friend that I always used to hang out with. We’d known each other for a couple of years and we’d always do things together such as…

• Invite each other out to movies late at night
• Cook dinner for each other at our apartments
• Go out to restaurants at midnight to order dessert

…but we never went past just being friends.

Mostly because I’m a dense person.

One day, she invited me to her apartment and made dinner for me. She asked me if I wanted to stay late and play board games with her. We ended up playing Scrabble and, several turns into the game, she plays the word “W-A-N-T”.

On her next turn—I kid you not—she plays the word “S-E-X” right next to the word “W-A-N-T”. My reaction at the time?

“Okay, that’s +19 points for Nicole.”

And that’s why I stayed single that night.

Back then, I had no idea how to tell if someone was flirting with me or what the word “flirting” even meant. Sometimes my friends would even come out and tell me “Dude, why didn’t you talk to her? She was totally hitting on you” and I’d just stand there confused.

Was she really trying to flirt with me? Or just being overly friendly?

Continue reading How to tell if she’s flirting or just being friendly →

Hey! Today’s newsletter contains a link to something I’ve written for ‘Highly Sensitive Refuge’. If you haven’t noticed already, I’m what’s called a “Highly Sensitive Person” or HSP (yes that’s a real thing!) The closest some of my male friends have ever come to crying is watching Spider-man get dusted in Infinity War. Me…on the other hand…I bawl my eyes out watching Monica and Chandler on Friends.

Sometimes it feels like the world is just so harsh and uncaring. And, for men in particular, we’re expected to just tough it out without showing any emotion at all. That’s why I love their website so much. It’s incredibly validating to see what’s been created by those who are unafraid to be sensitive. Check out their website below!

When I started looking for love, I noticed that one of my friends who always got dates had the opposite personality that I had. He was very assertive, even in situations I would find overwhelming. When he flirted, he was aggressive and made the conversation overtly sexual very quickly.

That’s not me at all. I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP), and my flirting is reserved and gentle. After watching my friend succeed time and time again while talking to women, I became afraid that I would have to change my personality to be more like his if I ever wanted to get a girlfriend.

So I tried to behave more like my more assertive friend. However, I didn’t achieve any success, even though I was basically doing the same thing he was. I also felt like I was acting — not being the real, true me — by going against my personality.

What was I doing wrong?

continue reading on Highly Sensitive Refuge…

I’ve never been a fan of cold approaches. Back when I was single, I always worried that I needed to “get good” at doing cold approaches in the same way that James Bond or Han Solo was if I ever wanted to find love. And I never liked that idea. I never wanted to be that guy who approaches every woman he sees in public places.

Cold approaches can work for those people who are more extroverted or who frequently hang out at bars and clubs. But for introverts, I don’t believe it’s the best way to get a date.

Usually when we think of flirting, we think of innuendos and playful touches with plausible deniability. You know, the kind of things people do when they’re trying to take home someone that they just met for the first time at the club or bar. And that’s fine, but it’s never been my cup of tea.

Instead, I propose my new HSP approach. This is good if you’re an introvert or a Highly Sensitive Person (see what I did there??) It’s inspired by Jeffrey Hall’s book, The Five Flirting Styles. In his book, Hall identifies Sincerity and Politeness as two perfectly valid forms of flirting—especially suited for introverts.

Continue reading Not a fan of cold approaches? Me neither. Try this instead! →

Here’s a head-scratcher.

Recently I got an email from one of my readers telling me that some girls he knows are jokingly calling him a fag and he was wondering what was going on. Why on Earth would a girl call him a fag? Were they flirting with him by calling him that? Or, were they just being rude and immature?

Here are my thoughts.

Continue reading Flirting, teasing, and playfulness →

I’m back, baby!

It certainly has been a while since my last article, hasn’t it? Throughout the summer, I’ve been taking a cross-country road trip from Wisconsin to Montana. Also, I’ve become fully convinced that North Dakota does not exist.

Seriously. I drove to the spot labeled “North Dakota” on the map and there was nothing there. What gives?

Today I want to share with you a script that you can use to get your next date. The next time you’re talking to a woman you’re interested in, feel free to use these exact words to ask her out. I’m going over this with you because there are a few good ways to properly ask her out, but almost infinite ways to suck at asking her out.

Continue reading Use these exact words to get your next date →

A long time ago, I remember trying to start a conversation with a woman who I thought looked kinda cute. It went something like this…

“Hi”

“Hi”

“How are you?”

“I’m good. How are you?”

“Good, good.”

“…”

(Uh-oh, awkward silence! How do I keep the conversation going? What do I say next? Do I make a joke? Should I comment on how she looks? Think, Steve, think!!)

“So, the weather’s pretty nice,” I muttered. (The weather? Really Steve??)

“Yeah,” she replied.

“…”

“Umm, I need to go,” she finally said. “Nice talking to you” she halfheartedly added. Well, crap. It only took me about 30 seconds before I completely ran out of things to say to her.

How do you overcome the obstacle of running out of things to say when talking to women?

Continue reading How to stop running out of things to say when talking to her →