Not a fan of cold approaches? Me neither. Try this instead!

I’ve never been a fan of cold approaches. Back when I was single, I always worried that I needed to “get good” at doing cold approaches in the same way that James Bond or Han Solo was if I ever wanted to find love. And I never liked that idea. I never wanted to be that guy who approaches every woman he sees in public places.

Cold approaches can work for those people who are more extroverted or who frequently hang out at bars and clubs. But for introverts, I don’t believe it’s the best way to get a date.

Usually when we think of flirting, we think of innuendos and playful touches with plausible deniability. You know, the kind of things people do when they’re trying to take home someone that they just met for the first time at the club or bar. And that’s fine, but it’s never been my cup of tea.

Instead, I propose my new HSP approach. This is good if you’re an introvert or a Highly Sensitive Person (see what I did there??) It’s inspired by Jeffrey Hall’s book, The Five Flirting Styles. In his book, Hall identifies Sincerity and Politeness as two perfectly valid forms of flirting—especially suited for introverts.

The HSP Approach

The HSP Approach involves three parts…

  • Happy
  • Sincere
  • Polite

Happy: The HSP approach is all about making the other person feel happy. It’s about radiating warmth and positive energy so that she feels glad that you came up and talked to her. You know why we love dogs so much? Because they’re always just about ready to burst with happiness whenever we see them. Show a smile. Pump up your energy. Talk to her with the same level of enthusiasm as you would a friend that you haven’t seen in a while.

Sincere: Flirting sincerely involves taking a genuine interest in who she is. Get curious about her! Try to learn what she enjoys doing. What are her values? What is her personality? What is she interested in? Try to find something that she would enjoy telling you about herself. A great way to do this is by asking open-ended or “why?” questions. When she tells you something about herself, listen to what she has to say. Then, ask some follow-up questions based on what she just told you or relate it to your own experiences.

Polite: Politeness isn’t typically what we think of when we hear the word “flirting”, but it’s a scientifically-proven valid way to flirt. As an introvert or Highly Sensitive Person, there’s no need to come on too strongly or aggressively. Instead, feel free to respect her personal boundaries and keep it as friendly as you like. If you enjoy talking to her, ask her out! (Politeness is a form of flirting, but not everyone who behaves politely is trying to flirt. The one thing that separates Polite Flirting from merely “being polite” is that you ask her out!)

A good HSP approach involves radiating warmth to make the other person feel happy, behaving with sincerity, while also being polite and true to your introverted self. You can try this at the bar-and-club scene if you want, but I’ve always preferred to utilize the HSP approach at introvert-centric places such as parks, libraries, and board game meetups.

The next time you encounter an interesting woman, just try to talk to her in a way that makes her happy. That’s the essence of the HSP approach. Do this enough times and some of those women just might want to see you again.

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