Our guest this week on Friday Romantics is Ruby Love from ‘Good Gentleman’. She’s a professional dating coach from San Diego who works with the good intentioned gentlemen who haven’t been given a chance.
Ruby helps introverted and inexperienced men find quality women, without changing who they are. Her work centers around helping them see they got what it takes, and to find confidence in who they already are and working off of that.
Below, pay attention to how we talk about:
- How introverts can start meeting women
- The best online dating apps for introverts and why
- How to be attractive if you don’t have a lot of dating experience
- Ruby’s 3-step method to talk about yourself in a way that women LOVE
- How to be interesting even if you’re more of a homebody
- Writing an online profile that resonates with her (most men get this backwards!)
So for introverted men, where do you go to meet women especially after you’ve graduated college? Like, a lot of introverts are homebody’s and they may only have one or two close friends. Where should an introvert go to meet women?
For introverts, because they are so attentive and so aware of who they are and what they want, online dating provides the best pace for them. If you can imagine going to public places, it’s very overwhelming for introverts, it’s surrounded by a lot of extroverts, you know, and unless they are already a natural conversationalist, and I will say 92 percent of my clients all found their wives or girlfriends online. So, it’s a pretty huge percentage.
Oh, wow!
Yes. And the rest is not even a public setting. It’s through a mutual friend. Rarely do they find love “in the wild”. You know what I mean?
I know what you mean. There’s a meme I saw that describes exactly that. How do introverts make friends? They get adopted by an extrovert. That’s how I met my wife.
Oh, is it?
Yeah. We both knew the same person who was an extrovert and he set us up. Honestly, through her is where I met most of my friends.
For introverts, it helps to be in an environment where there’s some predictability right? Being set up, knowing a mutual friend, matchmaking, online dating. It’s structured so that’s why it’s easier for introverts. Even an event is structured. So, it’s harder to find someone “in the wild.” I’m an introvert too so I know what that’s like. I prefer online.
Oh really, you’re an introvert??
So much.
Aww, man. I’m guilty of doing the thing, aren’t I? It’s like when people say, “You’re an introvert? But you’re so talkative!! There’s no way you’re an introvert.” Wow, I am so sorry.
Yep, you just did it Steven.
Okay, so when I think back to my relationships, they’ve always been through people we both knew or through online dating. Is that where you would recommend an inexperienced introvert start?
First thing I would say is to list out what they’re actually looking for, I think that’s important for an introvert to do, and then from there they can decide either online or offline. Because introverts need their own time and space to think, I would say online dating is best. And once the introvert lists out what’s important to them, they can decide which online dating app is best because there’s so many.
That’s what I would recommend. You need to get your toes in the water a little bit, and I think online dating is the best way to ease yourself into meeting people. Just meet people. That’s the goal. And online dating’s easy. Just open your phone. It takes 10 seconds to download. That’s it.
So, what apps do you recommend for online dating?
Hinge is #1 in the US because it markets itself as a relationship app. People who download it have the intention of being in a relationship. Their motto is “Designed to be deleted” and I believe that’s brilliant marketing. It shows they don’t want you to stay on the app forever. Because it’s relationship-oriented and intentioned, it really allows introverts to see that everyone here is looking for a relationship. Not to casually date, not to meet as friends, not to flake, but to actually show up. So that’s the #1 app.
Coffee Meets Bagel is #2. It’s even better for introverts – that’s how I met my husband. The reason why is because it was created and founded by two Asian sisters who were very overwhelmed by the online dating world, so they created an app that forces you to not endlessly swipe. And I love that. People get addicted to swiping but they only give you 10 to 20 potential each day and you have to choose out of that batch. It keeps women from being overwhelmed by guys messaging them as well. Coffee Meets Bagel does a great job of encouraging people to write out full bios, you know, not just one-word answers. It has great prompts and allows you to take your time. For introverts, they can take their time and assess each profile and then decide from there if they want to match or not. But I will say it takes longer to get a match because you get a limited amount each day.
I like it. Sounds like the apps you recommend are the ones that encourage you to be intentional with who you match with. You know, with Tinder you can just “swipe right” until the cows come home. Or on OKCupid you can just copy-paste the same message to like 50 people. So the apps you recommend like Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel are the ones that forces you to be intentional with who you match with. And then you know the people you interact with are also intentional about finding their own matches.
Yes, exactly! They also have more rules and safeguards to catch anyone who’s a robot or scammer. They verify you and they’re really good about catching and deleting those profiles quickly. That’s also good because sometimes people are afraid of catfishers or scammers. They do a good job of catching those, and I really value that.
So, for introverted guys who haven’t had a girlfriend or a lot of dating experience, would you say that being inexperienced is unattractive?
No. Here’s the thing. It’s not inexperience that would make them unattractive. It’s the lack of confidence that they put on being inexperienced that makes them unattractive. And so it’s the way these men carry that insecurity on themselves. They carry it on their face, or through their delivery. So when a woman asks them what their previous relationships were like, they’ll show their insecurity and the woman will feel it, and that’s what’s unattractive.
Yep. I had a client who would match with women on those online dating apps we mentioned and he would say “I’ve never had a girlfriend before. Is that a turn-off for you?” and I would just be like, why are you saying that man? Why lead with that??
So, here’s what I normally advise. Of course tell the truth. But you need to be aware of why you haven’t had a relationship. Because a woman is attracted to a man who owns who he is, and isn’t shy about his past or his journey or his choices. And a woman cares about where he’s going. My method is:
- Give the truth
- Give the reason
- And give the future
So responding to her might look like:
“I haven’t had a relationship yet. The reason is that I’ve been really focused on my work and I wanted to achieve the Executive position that I have now. And the future is, you know, I’m here now talking to you and I’m really looking for my lifelong companion and adventure buddy.”
Like, how can a woman not love that?
Totally agree! Introverts sometimes also worry that they’re not interesting people when it comes to dating. Back when I worked as an intern at a garden shop, I always just thought of my life as “wake up, work, eat, sleep” which is boring. But it’s actually the way you present yourself to others that really defines whether you’re interesting or not. And women love men who are interesting!
I’m pretty sure you weren’t just staring at a wall the whole time you were an intern, right? You’re still doing something. And there’s a lot more you can say about your life as well. What about the TV shows you watch, the books you read, or the things you listen to? If you have things in your life that you find interesting, then you ARE interesting. And it’s about being proud of what’s interesting to you.
So, if an introvert wants to practice putting themselves “out there”, where do you suggest they go?
Two things.
Number one: Look at what you find interesting – we mentioned shows or books. Look for spaces and stores where they have those things. Booths at farmers’ markets maybe. Go out there because you’re going to be surrounded by people, and just start small conversations from there. And that’s how you can begin socializing until you actually go to events.
Or number two: If you look at your life and you think you’re not that interesting, then what do you want to do that you find interesting? Sometimes we don’t think we have time for our interests in our day-to-day lives when, in reality, we do. Maybe you’ve always wanted to pick up guitar? Okay, then pick up that guitar and make time. Then you can find a guitar group on Eventbrite or Meetup who get together and play music together or talk about music together. So, it’s not about changing who you are. It’s all about finding who you are, and you can do that while also meeting people.
I like it! If there’s something you’ve “always wanted” to do, but you never got around to it…try doing it. You’ll be more interesting. And maybe you’ll meet someone while doing that.
I always ask my clients, you don’t have to feel “happy” every day, but do you feel overall fulfilled with how you spend your weekends? And if they say no, because they stay home all day, I challenge them to make a list of all the things they’ve wanted to do. A bucket list.
I actually did this with one of my clients. He was too obsessed with dating to where it really took over his day, and I realized he wasn’t fulfilled with his life. I asked him what he’s always wanted to do. He’s always wanted to play tennis, to build his own band, and to start his own business. I told him to focus on one of those things instead of dating every weekend, and to live that fulfilling life he’s wanted.
That was a year and a half ago. He’s literally left his job since then doing his own business. He’s pretty good at tennis now. And he’s built his own band! He plays every Friday or so at those open mics. He’s so fulfilled now and he’s had a girlfriend for the past six months!
It all came together because he started to find himself and to love who he is. Isn’t that crazy?
Wow! This guy sounds super interesting to me. I want to meet him!! I’ll buy him a beer and I’m not even the kind of guy that goes to bars.
That’s what I told him. You’re a super interesting person. And I’m glad he got to fly.
So do you have any tips on writing an online dating profile? Say you’re looking at a Hinge prompt. How do you suggest filling that out?
List out three main things you want in a partner. For me:
- I value self-growth
- I’m very spiritual
- I’m young at heart
Those are three things I hope a partner has as well because they’re such core values of mine. Write a Hinge prompt based on that.
Normally people choose Hinge prompts at random and just answer them. I actually tell people to work backwards. So if I value self-growth and spirituality, I’ll go and find a Hinge prompt that allows me to talk about that. For example, “My Typical Sunday”. I might say my typical Sunday is,
“Starting off my morning with a 15-minute meditation, reading a self-help book, and spending quality time with my family and friends.”
So, a person who reads that and is aligned with my values is gonna think, “I read self-help books” or “I love meditating as well”. They will click and you’ll already align with something that matters.
Same thing with me being young at heart. I’ll find another prompt that could be funny. Maybe one that shows my youthful side or shows that I love Disney or that I love being silly. And the right person will read that and resonate with it.
That’s what I suggest in terms of strategy for writing an online dating profile and it’s the reverse of what most people think.
Here are the best 3 Hinge prompts to get a match.
I like it! You’re working backwards by deciding what kind of person you are and who you want to attract, and then using that to choose the Hinge prompts that best resonate with that.
Can I give a bonus? Nowadays, singles want to see that other singles are intentional and aware of the kind of relationship they want. For prompts that say “I’m looking for…”, many people will list out the traits they want in somebody else. But I advise you to talk about the relationship values you want too. You could say that you’re looking for a relationship based on communication, honesty, growth, and a lot of laughter.
If a woman sees that on a profile, oh my goodness, she’s going to love it. Not too many guys are willing to be that aware of what they want in a relationship. They just answer things as they go. Women love a self-aware man. And they love knowing you share the same values.
To connect with Ruby or learn more of her dating advice, check out her YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@RubyLoveAdvice