Meet Ruby Love. She’s a professional dating coach who runs ‘Good Gentleman’ and has been described as a modern-day Asian Female Hitch. She helps introverted and inexperienced men find quality women, without changing who they are. Her work centers around helping them see they got what it takes, and to find confidence in who they already are and working off of that.
Ruby and I held a Q&A session where I asked her several questions submitted by my readers about how introverted men can find love. One of the questions sent in blew me away and I think it deserves its own post.
He asked:
What are your thoughts on discrimination around Asians when it comes to dating? How do you handle that?
This is something that resonated with me because I’m a second generation Chinese American myself. I know what it’s like to have people treat you differently because of the shape of your eyes.
Here’s what our conversation looked like after I brought up the topic of dating for Asian men:
One last question from one of my readers. Honestly, I don’t know if this one has an easy answer but it’s one that I’ve been turning over in my head ever since I heard it. He wants to know how you feel about discrimination against Asians when it comes to dating.
So, I’ve never experienced any “overt” racism in the dating world myself. Like, nobody’s ever straight up “Steve I don’t want to date you because you’re Asian”. But I never seemed to get as many matches online as my white friends even when we had similar profiles, and I do feel implicitly that race is part of that.
And I told him that unfortunately, that’s the way it is sometimes. On one hand you just have to learn to deal with it. And on the other hand, if there’s any places that seem hostile toward you because of race – implicitly or explicitly – then you decide if you either want to keep playing that game or find somewhere else that’s more welcoming to you. Especially if there’s more Meetups or other social events near you catering specifically to Asians. Maybe check those out.
I agree. A couple things I’ll add to that. Especially because I am Asian so people get curious. So, a couple things.
Coffee Meets Bagel is the best place to be if you’re Asian. Best place. All the Asians are there. All of them! So if you’re Asian and you’re not sure which app to use, especially if you’re open to dating another Asian – use Coffee Meets Bagel. That’s how I met my husband.
It was created and founded by two Asian sisters who were very overwhelmed by the online dating world, so they created an app that forces you to not endlessly swipe. And I love that. People get addicted to swiping but they only give you 10 to 20 potential each day and you have to choose out of that batch. It keeps women from being overwhelmed by guys messaging them as well.
Coffee Meets Bagel does a great job of encouraging people to write out full bios, you know, not just one-word answers. It has great prompts and allows you to take your time. But I will say it takes longer to get a match because you get a limited amount each day.
Unfortunately, I think stereotypes about Asians, the media we consume, the movies we watch, as well as peoples’ personal experiences, has definitely influenced a majority of the population. Some women will date an Asian man and break up and then generalize about that entire population. Like, “I can’t date another Asian man again.” There’s always going to be that.
On the flip side, everybody has the right to have a type. Everybody has the right to have a preference. Everybody has the right to be selective. Are there people out there who don’t want to date Asians? 1000 percent. They have judgments about them, maybe without even knowing it. That’s on them. Do I think it’s right? Absolutely not.
Now, are there a lot of people who will date Asians? Yes! Asians will come to me and say “I can’t attract anybody. No one wants to date an Asian male” and I just tell them “Do you really think there are no Asian men in relationships? Is every single Asian man you meet unable to find a girlfriend?”
It’s focusing on what it means to be Asian for them. What are they expressing that might be causing other women to think “Oh, he’s just an angry typical Asian guy who has a temper” or that he’s a “typical, insecure Asian”.
Instead, when it comes to attraction, I ask my Asian clients, “Well how do women look at white guys?
Maybe they see them as being:
- Confident and bold
- Knowing what they want and unafraid to go after it
- Having a healthy history around their journey and their families
- This does not mean they had a perfect childhood. This just means they’re able to speak on the tough times, but were able to grow from it, and be at a healthy place now. There aren’t any unresolved trauma, because they’re willing to work through it.
- Being very self-aware, communicative, and expressive
And then I ask my Asian clients, “Do you have those qualities? Let’s talk about those qualities. Do you have those?”
Many times, it’s from our upbringing. Many Asians have a hard time being open with their feelings because they didn’t grow up in a household where that was allowed. They were taught that it was weird or taboo.
Now, is it impossible to overcome that? Of course it isn’t. For me as an Asian female, I had to go to therapy and learn to unwire all of that. I didn’t want to bring it with me.
I can resonate with that. As an Asian, I knew I was old when my mom stopped telling me to, you know, “be careful” around women and she started asking me “Steve when are you having kids?” I’d just be like, “Mom! I don’t think that’s appropriate.”
Exactly! Did your parents suddenly start, out of nowhere, expecting you to flirt with girls and asking when you were going to marry them?
Yes!!
For Asians, a lot of their beliefs are going to come from their upbringings. I empathize with that and I know where they’re coming from. It does take some work to overcome that but it can be done. So can Asian men have the capacity to develop what it takes to find the right woman? Of course they can! It’s just about the choice to do the internal work.
To connect with Ruby or learn more of her dating advice, check out her YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@RubyLoveAdvice