So, you’ve connected with an awesome woman online. You’re exchanging messages back-and-forth, first over the online dating app and then over text message itself. She agrees to go on a date with you. The two of you meet for the first time and you really hit it off! You’re excited to get to know her better.
But suddenly, she just stops responding to your messages.
Maybe it’s after that first date. Maybe it’s after a week or longer. And you’re left wondering…
What happened? Why is she ghosting me?
We’ve all been there. I’ve also been ghosted by women I’ve met online. About 30 percent of adults in the United States report being ghosted before, and that number climbs to over 50+ percent when it comes to online dating!
It sucks! So, why is ghosting in modern dating? And how do you keep it from happening to you?
What is “ghosting”
Ghosting is when somebody you were talking to:
- Suddenly breaks off all communication without warning or explanation
- With the intention of ending any relationship they had with you.
This is different from going “no contact”, where one person clearly expresses their intention to the other that they no longer wish to be in touch before cutting them off.
Unfortunately, this is something that’s on the rise in the era of digital technology. More people are turning to online dating to meet romantic partners. The flip side is that people can now end relationships by “ghosting” them with no consequences.
Meet somebody at work, through your hobby, or in your social circle, and there are social consequences if you ghost them. Everyone will see what a jerk you are and (rightfully) ostracize you.
That’s not the case when it comes to online dating. You can simply disappear just like that.
Some people rationalize this by telling themselves it’s OK since there was no long-term commitment or since you two hardly knew each other anyway.
But, why?
Why did she ghost me? Maybe it’s her…
Why would a girl ghost me if she likes me
Maybe she’s afraid of commitment. This can happen among people with an avoidant attachment style. People like this have a hard time getting close to others. Get too close to someone and you reflexively want to shut it down.
Other people might ghost a romantic relationship when it’s time to have a difficult conversation with their partner. Working through conflict is hard. Avoiding it altogether is easy.
Some people might also suffer from cripplingly low self-esteem. Maybe they think that they’re not worthy of being in a relationship and that their partner deserves better. She may think she’s doing you a favor by disappearing from your life.
She ghosted me and now wants to talk
What happens when she ghosts you for a week and then texts you again?
Nothing good, I’ll tell you that.
This is something that’s frighteningly common among people displaying the malevolent “Dark Triad” personality traits (narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy). Some people use “ghosting” as a dating strategy where they disappear and then reappear after a period of time to throw off the other person and make you chase them even harder.
At best, she sees you as an option. Maybe she was seeing someone else on the side and that fell through so she’s crawling back to you.
At worse, she’s being psychologically manipulative.
This is a red flag! Dude, RUN!!
She is going through a difficult time
Sometimes she’s just going through a hard time and needs some space.
A girl I used to be really close with suddenly went cold over text message and stopped responding altogether. Her friends had not heard back from her either. Turns out, she had a family emergency and all of her other relationships got put on the back burner.
Crap happens sometimes. That’s life.
Another woman I met over online dating suddenly went cold on me as well. She later revealed that she had just gone through a messy breakup right before meeting me and I was a rebound for her.
“I don’t mind being a rebound,” I told her. “Let’s keep going out!”
“No, I need to sort my stuff out first before I’m ready to date anyone again” she replied.
Sometimes it really is her and not you.
Other reasons she might ghost you
Maybe she’s just not feeling any spark or chemistry between the two of you, and she doesn’t have the heart to say it to you directly. She might lack the social skills to navigate that conversation. It’s easier for her to just disappear altogether.
She gets to protect her ego by never making herself the “cause” of your pain. Also, she gets to remember the relationship ending on a positive note rather than with a messy breakup.
Of course, that’s all in her mind. Good for her, not so good for you. You’re left behind picking up the pieces and wondering what happened.
Why did she ghost me out of nowhere? Maybe it’s you…
Okay, we’ve gone over a few reasons why she may have ghosted you because she she was not emotionally ready for a relationship.
But sometimes, we have to take that hard look in the mirror and ask if we were the ones who made her uncomfortable somehow.
Here are some reasons why she might have ghosted you.
You were too overbearing
Women love men who have a cup of life that’s full. People who have fulfilling hobbies. Good friends. A job that makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning. You don’t necessarily need to have all of those right now – it’s okay to still be a work in progress – but women love men who aren’t needy.
Texting her obsessively, at weird hours, or not giving her a chance to respond before you blast her with another message makes you look…well, the exact opposite of that. Make sure you’re not texting her too much. Also make sure your text messages are not overly long either or you risk appearing overly invested in her. Nobody likes seeing a block of text in their DMs!
A good rule of thumb is to text her around the same frequency that she texts you. And please don’t…
- Ask her if she wants to go out “sometime”
- Ask her if she wants to “hang out”
- Ask her when she’ll be available
…because…
- “Sometime” can mean any time, and usually means no time at all
- Friends “hang out” and romantic partners do not
- This creates busywork for her and doesn’t let her say no if she’s not interested
She feels you’re not serious about her
On the other end of the spectrum, she might feel that you care too little about her and end up cutting you off. This could happen especially with women you meet over online dating because she has several other people messaging her at the same time vying for her attention.
That’s the story of how I ghosted.
A long time ago, I hit it off with a woman I met online. During the week, she would randomly text me “Hey Steve, what’chu doing?? :)” and I would always look forward to hearing from her. She told me more about her studies in med school and I told her about how I was studying to be an accountant.
I always heard the rule that you ought to wait three days after a first date to contact her again. That way you don’t come off as clingy and it lets her wonder about you…or some crap like that. So, I didn’t call her or text her after our first date.
One day passed without any contact whatsoever.
Then two days.
Then three days.
And then I finally called her. Before she even got three words out, I’d realized that I screwed up hard.
“Who’s this?” she asked.
“It’s Steve. We had dinner at that Chinese place three days ago.”
“…Oh, right” she replied. “Umm, how about I let you know the next time I’m free?”
“Sure” I said, full of naïve hope. As it turns out, she was just letting me down easy. She never did contact me back to let me know when she was free. Three days of no-contact and she had already forgotten who I was.
That one still hurts years later.
After a first date, make sure to text her as soon as you get home to let her know you had a great time together!! (Ok, maybe the next morning if you’re getting home at like 1am. But definitely within 24 hours.)
Your first date was boring
Ok, I get it. We are all shy around people we’re romantically interested in, right? How can you not be nervous on a first date?
Well, there’s a difference between being nervous and being socially inept. Showing a bit of nervousness on a date can honestly be endearing! It means you actually care about her.
But if your date is filled with awkward silences, one-word answers to her questions, and moments where you keep running out of things to say, then you’re making her do a lot of heavy lifting in the conversation.
If she can have a better conversation with a Magic 8-Ball than she can with you, she’s not going to keep talking to you much longer. Luckily the answer is simple – learn to talk without running out of things to say!
Your online dating profile wasn’t the real you
Guys…don’t lie in your online dating profile. Seriously!
You think I’m joking but I’ve seen men fudge their height, weight, age, personality, etc. on their profile to get matches. Or they lie about wanting kids/not wanting kids/having kids/not having kids. Or they use a fake picture of themselves.
“What do you think will happen when she expects to meet a 25 year old man like you listed on your profile, and it turns out you’re actually 32?!” I asked of one client.
“She’ll be pleasantly surprised because I’ll wait until she likes me and then tell her how old I am,” he naively responded.
Nope. It doesn’t work that way.
Be authentic about yourself! Make sure your profile is fun and interesting. And please, don’t use AI to write your profile for you. Nobody wants to date a computer.
You made her feel uncomfortable or scared her off
Did you say something that didn’t quite land right?
One of my most cringeworthy moments ever was on a date with a girl at a pizza restaurant. There were a couple of flies that kept buzzing around our heads and wouldn’t leave us alone.
“Ugh, the flies here just won’t go away” she complained.
“Well maybe they like you so much because you’re so sweet!” I responded.
Yeah, that didn’t go well. A couple of awkward interactions like this and she’ll understandably be hesitant about spending more time with you.
I’ve heard another story of a girl texting a guy “What are your favorite recipes to cook?” and his response was “I’d cook you 😊” (yes, with a smiley emoji. Somehow that was supposed to lighten up his joke about…umm, killing her).
Something like that is legitimately creepy to women.
It also doesn’t go well if you were overly sexual or rude on the first date. Err on the side of “not too much”. Light touches on the shoulder are OK, but I wouldn’t go much farther than that.
Is she ghosting me? Or just busy?
We are all busy from time to time. In today’s world where Microsoft Teams comes with us on our smartphones wherever we go and AI is proving to be a curse rather than a blessing, it’s hard to truly disconnect from everything.
If you text her but she also happens to be in the middle of a client emergency at work and she’s buried up to neck in paperwork…well, you’re getting left on Read.
But how do you know if she’s actually busy, or if she’s just using that as an excuse to ignore you?
It’s safe to assume you’re being ghosted if you’ve send three or more text messages with no reply, if she hasn’t reached out to you in a week, and if you reach out to her with no response even though she clearly has had the opportunity to.
You might also notice her behavior feeling a bit “off” lately.
Someone that I had gone out with on several dates suddenly seemed different one day. We went out to the movies (Skyfall, I still remember it) and the whole time she was on her phone texting her toxic ex-boyfriend who happened to be in town that weekend.
She went cold after that. Later, I checked her social media and she had gotten back together with…you guessed it…her ex.
That one hurt at the time but I guess I dodged a bullet there.
What to do after she ghosts you
Being ghosted sucks. I’m not going to lie about that.
It really hurts because there’s no closure. As weird as it feels to say this…I’d prefer going through a messy breakup with someone I was dating rather than simply being “ghosted”. At least I get something to work with.
Did I come off too eager while dating? Did I do something that scared her off? Was I boring?
Yes, it would suck to hear something like that while dating. But it hurts even more getting no feedback at all. I’m left trying to figure out what just happened and coming up with an ambiguous list of reasons – a lot of them self-blaming – while she gets to make a clean break.
Not fun at all.
So, what do you do?
Find a way to treat yourself. Get some fast food! Hit the gym. Reach out to some friends you haven’t seen in a while. Have that gaming marathon and go invest in those hobbies that you didn’t have time for while you were dating her.
And for the love of God, don’t turn to the manosphere or start blaming all women. They’re not all like that. Seriously.
But before you do that, why not send a few check-in text messages to see if she’s really trying to avoid you or if she just got swamped with other things?
Here’s what you can send.
What to text after being ghosted
Assume the best! Maybe she’s just busy. Give her a couple of days to respond to your text.
If you still haven’t heard anything, send her a casual check-in text in the form a question. Something along the lines of “How’s your week been?” or “What you up to these days?”. It’s important that you ask her a question so she knows that you’re hoping for a reply.
If that still goes unanswered, you could try playfully nudging her. Send her something like,
- “hey, it’s been a while. is everything ok?”
- “hey, haven’t heard from you in a while. did I scare you off? :)”
- “hey, did I say something wrong? Sorry about that :)”
Texting her with “hey” is great because it sets a friendly, breezy tone. The use of emojis and the lack of proper grammar also help give these messages a more comfortable feel. You’re also acknowledging the silence while also giving her a socially acceptable way to reconnect with you.
Think about it from her point of view – if she genuinely was busy and forgot to respond to you, then she’s probably worried that YOU are going unhappy with HER. Messages like these help lighten the tension and keep the conversation going.
Still nothing? The next step is to try asking her on another date. Send a message asking her to a specific place and a specific time. This is important because it gives her a “deadline” to respond.
Try this one last message if she ghosts you
What if that day comes and you still haven’t heard back from her? There’s one more message I would send.
“Hey [her name], it seems you’ve changed your mind about seeing each other. I’m sorry to hear that. I really enjoyed our time together and maybe we’ll reconnect in the future. Thanks again [her name]”
Here’s why this works.
- There’s an emotional appeal behind it and this tends to resonate with people on a deeper level. Using her name makes it even more emotional!
- You’re gently calling out the potential end of the relationship by using the words “it seems”. This is a powerful phrase in negotiation that addresses the elephant in the room without being accusatory.
- You’re displaying that you’ve accepted the relationship has potentially come to a close. So if she has decided to move on herself, she can agree with you and break it off without a difficult conversation.
- Finally, it provides a social consequence by effectively ending the relationship if she doesn’t respond. If she DOES want to keep seeing you, she’ll know she has to respond quickly before YOU start seeing other people!
Will she come back after ghosting you?
Maybe. And maybe not.
If she genuinely became busy all of a sudden, but she still wants to see you, she might come back to you. It happens! Say there’s a client emergency at work and she’s forced to choose between keeping her job or responding to your text…well, you’re getting put on the back burner. Hopefully not forever!!
But if she’s working through some personal issues herself or if you did something that put her off, you might be out of luck.
Just focus on what you can control. Her personal issues are hers alone to work on. You can’t really do anything for her then, other than being a friend if you’re OK with that.
If you do go through the “maybe it’s you” section above and you do find two or more of those reasons apply to you, however, then you should probably work on that.
Finally, keep in mind that online dating has by far the biggest proportion of women who might ghost you. There’s nothing wrong with online dating per se, but if you have other avenues for meeting women then consider those as well.
Focus on what you can control! Be the best version of yourself and keep putting yourself out there.
Best of luck! Happy dating!!