The science behind feeling confident

Being confident

Have you ever thought about how dangerous the modern world is?

You’re probably reading this email on your computer or phone right now. You would have had to plug in whatever device you’re reading this email on. If your fingers were just 1 or 2 centimeters off the mark, you could have fried yourself!

This could have killed you, ya know!

What an incredibly dangerous task! I’m sure you didn’t even think twice about pulling it off. That’s because you’ve already demonstrated to the part of your brain which controls confidence that you are capable of performing such a task.

The science behind where confidence comes from

That part of your brain is called the amygdala and it’s responsible for regulating your body’s emotional responses. One of those responses is fear and confidence. Its task is to keep you alive by making you feel unconfident around situations it believes you are not equipped to handle.

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The ABC’s of being confident

Being confident

Lately I’ve been playing a lot of classic games using the NSO feature on the Nintendo Switch – you know, those old side-scrollers from the 80’s and 90’s.

When you play them on modern hardware, there’s often some Quality-of-Life improvements vs playing them on their original systems. For example, you can use ‘save states’ to reload at any time or even hold the trigger buttons together to rewind time on some games.

You can rewind time by holding the triggers like this…wait, why am I still playing Switch 1? Get the newest one you dinosaur!

I try not to use those features when I play because I’m trying to capture the feeling of playing those games from my childhood – and that includes the tension of not screwing up at the end of a level.

Think about that. Why would I feel nervous at the end of a level?

It’s simple: if I screw up, I got to restart the whole level again!

This perfectly highlights where confidence comes from, and what factors can increase or decrease how confident we feel.

The ABC Confidence Principle

Being confident involves three factors. This is what I call the “ABC Confidence Principle”, and it goes like this:

[Ability + Belief + Curiosity = Confidence]

Generally speaking, how confident we are at any given task is a combination of 1) Our Ability to do the task, 2) Our Belief that we can pull it off successfully, and 3) Having a positive curiosity about your successes/failures (there are a couple of exceptions, but we’ll cover that later). Being confident around women involves both knowing how to talk to her, and developing a positive Belief in our Ability to do so.

Let’s start by talking about Ability.

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Let’s kick off 2026 with confidence!!

Being confident

Welcome to 2026! Happy New Year!!

New year, new you huh. Have you made any New Year’s resolutions?

(More importantly, are you keeping them?)

Whatever you’re looking to accomplish in the new year – it all starts with being confident.

One of the best mindsets around confidence comes from a line you’re probably heard before if you watch any number of rom-coms:

“I just want you to be happy”

What does that line mean? Take a second and think about it.

Continue reading Let’s kick off 2026 with confidence!! →

How to text her – including scripts and examples

Dating

Let’s talk about one of the scariest things around dating: how to text a woman you’re interested in.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worried that I’m texting her too little and she’s going to forget about me, or I’m texting her too often and she’s going to think I’m clingy, or even that I’m texting her something that gets taken the wrong way and now she’s super offended at an innocent comment I made.

And the worst of all is when you text her and she doesn’t respond…for…several hours. When that happens, all I can think about is basically,

  • “Did she see my text? Maybe she didn’t see it yet.”
  • “Is she busy? What is she doing?”
  • “Why hasn’t she responded yet? OMG she probably hates me.”

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How to tell if she’s flirting or just being friendly

Talking to women

It’s been a while since my last newsletter, huh? At Quietly Romantic headquarters, there’s a tradition where if I go too long without writing anything new then I get to share an embarrassing story.

This one tops anything I’ve shared before.

Several years ago, I had a friend named Nicole that I always used to hang out with. We’d known each other for a couple of years and we’d always do things together such as…

  • Invite each other out to movies late at night
  • Cook dinner for each other at our apartments
  • Go out to restaurants at midnight to order dessert

…but we never went past just being friends.

Mostly because I’m a dense person.

One day, she invited me to her apartment and made dinner for me. She asked me if I wanted to stay late and play board games with her. We ended up playing Scrabble and, several turns into the game, she plays the word “W-A-N-T”.

On her next turn—I kid you not—she plays the word “S-E-X” right next to the word “W-A-N-T”. My reaction at the time?

“Okay, that’s +19 points for Nicole.”

And that’s why I stayed single that night.

Back then, I had no idea how to tell if someone was flirting with me or what the word “flirting” even meant. Sometimes my friends would even come out and tell me “Dude, why didn’t you talk to her? She was totally hitting on you” and I’d just stand there confused.

Was she really trying to flirt with me? Or just being overly friendly?

Continue reading How to tell if she’s flirting or just being friendly →

My single biggest, most painful mistake with dating

Dating

From the first time I saw her face, I knew I’d love her until the day I die.

I can still picture it clearly today. All the other boys in my Middle School were fawning over that one redhead who looked like Mary Jane from Spider-Man (you know…the Tobey Maguire one).

On the other hand, I happened to crush on my classmate in English class who came in every day wearing a ridiculously cute Mickey Mouse shirt and headband. She was the first person I ever had feelings for.

I’d like to tell you that she never even knew I existed. That’s what I really want to write right now because it would hurt less to whitewash the story and remember it a different way than how it really happened. But that wouldn’t be true to myself.

What really happened is that some time later, one of her friends secretly came up to me and told me “You know, Chloe used to have a crush on you for like, forever.”

That hurts because it’s one thing if I never even had a chance. It’s another thing to know that the first woman I ever found myself crushing on actually liked me back and I just let that slip through my fingers!

Looking back, it’s a mistake I’d made many times throughout my dating life. Whenever I found myself romantically interested in someone, I’d fail to unambiguously convey my romantic interest. That’s the key. If you too indirect and treat women that you’re interested in as friends like I did, then you can’t be surprised when you only end up being friends and nothing more.

Here’s an example to show what I mean:

  • Morning coffee or lunch with a coworker? Not romantic because people do this all the time professionally.
  • Inviting a coworker to a group activity with you? That’s ambiguously romantic because friends also do this platonically, and professionals commonly do this for networking purposes.
  • Asking a coworker to watch a movie and have dinner with you on a Friday night? That’s unambiguously romantic because you’ve set up a series of 1-on-1 activities just for the two of you and you’re meeting her on a night when you can stay out late and not have to worry about going to work the next day.

The key is to unambiguously convey romantic interest. If you treat her platonically then of course your relationship will be nothing but platonic. But if you ask her out 1-on-1 to an activity at a specific time and place, then she’ll know that you’re interested in her. And maybe…just maybe…she’ll be interested in you back.

I’ve loved a lot of women throughout my life. I have two competing memories of the first woman I ever loved, and I wish I could remember it the less painful way but that just tastes like a lie. I can tell you with a straight face that most of the other women I crushed on probably never even knew I existed. Maybe I’m whitewashing those memories as well when I say that. But I honestly don’t know and that allows me to honestly remember it that way.

Derek Chauvin found guilty and what that means for us

Living an honest life

Derek Chauvin was just found guilty. You know, the guy that knelt on George Floyd’s neck for almost 10 minutes until he died.

I feel a lot of emotions right now. Relief. Happiness. Sadness.

Like, a part of me is happy that he was convicted because of course he was guilty. And I’m relieved that justice was served in this particular instance. But I’m also sad that this even happened in the first place, and I still recognize that we have a long way to go.

Here’s what Derek Chauvin’s conviction means for us…

Continue reading Derek Chauvin found guilty and what that means for us →

How to make #StopAsianHate a reality

Living an honest life

Let’s talk about violence against Asian-Americans. Again.

Didn’t we just do this? Yes, we did. Somehow just 2 weeks after my strongly worded open letter, a series of mass shootings perpetrated by a single person broke out at three different spas in Atlanta, Georgia. Eight people were killed, six of whom were Asian women.

And what is there to say except…are you fucking kidding me?!

It feels like someone read what I wrote and thought “Hey this Steve guy makes a lot of good points…so I’m going to do the exact opposite of what he wrote!”

FUCKING HELL!!

Alright, alright. Deep breaths Steve. In for 5 seconds. Out for 5 seconds.

And…breathe.

Okeydokey. I can’t believe I’m writing another one of these after I just wrote one a few weeks ago, but here we are. The reluctant sequel to my open letter written for everyone holding animosity against Asian-Americans.

Here we go.

Continue reading How to make #StopAsianHate a reality →

It feels like everything is “broken” these days

Living an honest life

I’ve written a string of articles speaking out against some of the injustices in the world—including my most recent one about hate crimes against Asians—and the overwhelming consensus from everyone who responded is that…well…

Everything is broken.

(Also, to everyone who took the time to respond to my newsletters with your own thoughts, I appreciate your responses and I do read every message. Thank you! Even to that one guy who wrote back just to call me an idiot.)

It certainly feels like everything is broken sometimes. I wish that I had some sort of quick fix that would solve everything and make the world a fair and just place to live in. But I don’t, and we’re still a far cry away from achieving that sort of world.

So, if you’ve ever felt as desolate or hopeless about the state of the world as I have, I’d like to tell you what helps keep me going.

We live in this thing called a “society” which has two important things to note.

First, it keeps us safe and warm from nature. How safe and how warm is another question that depends heavily on factors such as socioeconomic status, etc…but it keeps us warm and safe compared to when we were hunter-gatherers.

And second, it’s a work in progress. Many of the injustices that are built into the system, such as economic inequality, climate change, etc. exist not out of maliciousness but because society is just this thing that we slapped together using duct tape to keep us safe from the uncaring forces of nature.

We didn’t have the luxury of building “Society version 1.0” on a supercomputer before we launched it. Instead, we hurriedly cobbled together version 0.1 in a cave with a box of scraps so that the wolves wouldn’t eat us. That’s where we are right now.

That means it’s something that can still be improved and it’s going to be improved…but only if people such as you and I accept it as our moral and ethical responsibility to do so. To uproot evil and to help good take root however we can. That’s how we’ll finally achieve “Society version 1.0”.

Here’s a few ways you can help keep up the good fight:

  • Vote! Get educated in the elections happening around you—not just the big ones for President or whomever—but also the smaller, local ones and vote.
  • Donate to causes that you believe in.
  • Let the people around you know who you support and what you stand for.

I’m doing all three of the above, and I hope that you’ll join me in solidarity.

Remember that you have a voice and it matters!

To: Everyone holding animosity against Asian-Americans

Living an honest life

To: Everyone holding animosity toward Asian-Americans. Or treating Asians with scorn. Or asking if they’re “from China” because of the virus.

Color me pissed off!!

Are you going to tell me why you hold so much contempt against Asian-Americans right now? Why you find it okay to treat Asians differently than your white counterparts, or to refer to COVID as the “China virus” (that’s racist), or why hate crimes against Asian-Americans have risen 867% in New York city alone?

Seriously, to the guy who thinks it’s OK to shove elderly people to the ground in Chinatown…WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?

Take a second and say the name of the virus causing the pandemic. No really, say it out loud with me. Here’s a hint, it’s not “China virus” or “Wuhan virus”.

“CO-VID”. Only two syllables long. How many syllables in “Chi-na vir-us”? Four! Instead of using a two-syllable term to describe the pandemic, you find it necessary to consume twice as much oxygen and produce twice as much carbon dioxide just to emphasize the part of the world the virus came from.

Yes, that’s racist!!

You’re welcome to say anything you want and the U.S. Government is not going to come after you thanks to the Free Speech that you other people fought for. And I’m sure those same troops can count on your support, right? I’m not talking about some cheap bumper sticker that says “Support the Troops” or whatever…I’m sure your troops can totally count on you to push for reform and donate to causes making it easier for them to get professional help after coming home right? RIGHT!?

It’s idiotic to harass and assault normal civilians just because you disagree with the actions of some government halfway across the world. You know who else is doing the exact same you are? The people flying this flag:

But I guess that irony is lost on you, huh? You bunch of “calling-yourselves-the-party-of-Lincoln-while-raising-the-flag-of-the-Confederacy-that-he-fought-against” absolute hypocrites.

Get the fuck out of here with your racism.

Cordially,
Steven “fed-up-with-your-bullshit” Zawila