The holidays are coming! It’s the time of year when you start seeing Christmas lights and other festive decorations.
It’s also the time of year that used to stress me out the most.
You see, I always used to put a lot of pressure on myself to find a girlfriend in time for the holidays. It’s the time of year that you spend with people you love, and I always wanted to find a nice woman and take her home to meet my parents during the holiday season.
What I didn’t realize is that I was actually making it harder on myself by doing this. Since I was putting all these arbitrary deadlines around when I “had” to find a girlfriend, I was starting to come off as desperate to the women that I talked to. As I’ve written before, women don’t want a man whose cup of life is only half full.
After trying to talk to women and striking out a few times, I began to ask myself…
“How do I stop coming across as desperate when talking to women?”
…which was a good start, but it was still the wrong question. Eventually, I started having more luck talking to women when I stopped asking myself that question and started asking this one:
“How do I stop being desperate when talking to women?”
Continue reading How to become confidently outcome-independent around women
I was never a confident person.
If I had a crush on a woman, I’d always wish that I could be confident enough to go up to her and just start talking to her. I could never bring myself to do it, though. My hands would get clammy, I’d get that sinking feeling in my stomach, and I’d suddenly find myself stuttering like crazy.
Meanwhile, I’d watch other guys go up to women and just start talking to her. And the most fascinating part was that, if they asked her out and she ended up turning them down, then they just shrugged it off as if it were no big deal!
How were other men able to talk to her so easily and take rejection in stride, while I couldn’t muster up the courage to even begin a conversation?!
Here’s what I know now about being confident that I wish I’d known back then.
Continue reading The ABC’s of being confident
Let’s talk about the difference between real confidence and fake confidence.
Fake confidence is about pretending to be indifferent. It’s about going up to a woman and just acting like you don’t care. Like she doesn’t even matter to you. This is what a lot of “nice guys” do. I’m not talking about guys who are genuinely kind and wholesome. I’m talking about guys who strut and act as if they’re so cool while they talk to her, pretending to be indifferent…and then suddenly becoming all angry if they get turned down for sex.
Just like a petulant toddler who’s sad because he can’t eat ice cream for dinner.
That’s what fake confidence looks like.
Real confidence is different. It isn’t about “not caring” or being indifferent when you talk to her. It’s about knowing that getting turned down by a woman sucks—and being okay with that! Sure, getting rejected stings. A lot. But you know that even if you get rejected, everything is going to be just fine.
There isn’t a magic switch that you flip to create this type of confidence overnight.
Instead, you develop this confidence over time by filling your cup of life. With fulfilling hobbies. With good friends. With something that makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning.
What if you don’t have these things?
Then, just get started. I certainly don’t have a lot of those things. Sure, I could have a bigger social group. Or more hobbies. But as I’ve always told myself, life is a work in progress. There’s never truly an “end” to filling the cup of life. Find something you would like to fill it with and just get started.
After all, women don’t want a man whose cup of life is half-empty and that she has to fill. Instead, she wants to find someone who’s also working on filling their cup so the two of you can go down the journey of life so you both have two full cups to share with each other.
Sometimes, I think back to how dumb I used to be and it makes me cringe.
Back in high school, I used to have a crush on my locker buddy, Olivia. We only had a couple of classes together all throughout high school, but every morning before classes began and every afternoon when we left school at around 3:15 pm we would meet up at our lockers and shoot the breeze for a few minutes. I always looked forward to that.
Honestly, I don’t remember what most of our talks were even about. I guess that’s the thing about memories. Those small details tend to fade away after a while. I no longer remember what we used to talk about or what she wore or even what my own locker combination was. If I went back to my old high school and look at it today, it would probably be much different than how I remember it.
Details fade away, but you remember 1) the people who were there and 2) the way they made you feel. Maybe that’s what really matters.
Continue reading What pickup gets wrong about being confident
There’s a lot of popular advice about how to be confident. When I was too nervous to talk to women, I always heard “Fake it until you make it” or “Just do it, man!” Neither of these really helped much.
Once I heard that you should approach 50 women to overcome your approach anxiety. I’ve encountered over 50 spiders in my lifetime and they still scare the living daylights out of me.
And then you have the dumb@$$ advice on how to be confident…you either “neg” her to undermine her self-confidence or you pretend to be completely indifferent even though deep down you actually do care. Please, don’t do this!
There’s a super counter-intuitive, mundane way to be confident. One that’s so boring that few people ever talk about it.
Continue reading The boring, mundane way to be confident with women
Let’s talk about confidence.
When I first started looking for love, I always wished that I could be more confident around women. If only I were more confident, I could go right up to a woman that I was interested in and just start talking to her. No more feeling awkward or nervous. No second guessing myself.
However, I’d usually just find some way of talking myself out of it. I’d tell myself things such as, “She probably already has a boyfriend” or “Someone like her would never be interested in me”. If I had a crush on someone, I would try to psyche myself into asking her out beforehand but when the time came and I did see her I just told myself, “She’s probably busy. I’ll ask her out tomorrow.” Of course, when tomorrow came I would just tell myself the exact same thing.
How do you become more confident around women? Especially if you haven’t had a lot of success before?
Continue reading Three ways I made myself more confident around women
Back when I was first looking for love, I always wished that I could be more confident. I believed that if only I were more confident, I would go right up to a woman I was interested in and just start talking to her. No second guessing myself.
However, I’d always find some way of talking myself out of it. “She probably already has a boyfriend” I’d tell myself. If there was a woman that I had a crush on, I would say to myself “I’m going to do it today when I see her. I’m going to ask her out” and then I would chicken out. “On second thought I’ll ask her out tomorrow instead,” I’d tell myself. And then tomorrow would come and I’d say the same thing the next day. And the next. And the next.
How do you become more confident? Especially if you haven’t had a lot of success with women before?
Continue reading Three ways I unknowingly lowered my confidence around women
Let’s talk about confidence.
As I was growing up, it always felt like women liked the guys who were more confident and outgoing. Whenever I had a crush on someone, most of the time I would be too scared to ask her out. My mind would tell me things like “she probably already has a boyfriend,” and if I did try to talk to her then I would become super awkward and would barely even be able to say anything. The one piece of advice I heard over and over again for being confident was to “fake it until you make it” but that never helped me at all.
This makes it especially difficult because as we’re the ones who are expected to be the initiators when it comes to dating. It’s up to us to take the first step and ask her out, to go for the first kiss, to ask her to be exclusive, to say the first “I love you”, and so on. This means that we’re the ones who risk being rejected or shot down.
How are we supposed to be confident in the first place if we don’t have much (or any) dating experience to begin with? It’s easier to be confident if you’ve had girlfriends in the past before or if you often go on a lot of dates. But what about those of us who don’t have any of that experience to begin with?
Here’s a quick trick I would use in order to make myself more confident. If there was a woman that I wanted to talk to, I would say this one sentence to myself:
Continue reading Become more confident with women in under 30 seconds