How to become confidently outcome-independent around women

The holidays are coming! It’s the time of year when you start seeing Christmas lights and other festive decorations.

It’s also the time of year that used to stress me out the most.

You see, I always used to put a lot of pressure on myself to find a girlfriend in time for the holidays. It’s the time of year that you spend with people you love, and I always wanted to find a nice woman and take her home to meet my parents during the holiday season.

What I didn’t realize is that I was actually making it harder on myself by doing this. Since I was putting all these arbitrary deadlines around when I “had” to find a girlfriend, I was starting to come off as desperate to the women that I talked to. As I’ve written before, women don’t want a man whose cup of life is only half full.

After trying to talk to women and striking out a few times, I began to ask myself…

“How do I stop coming across as desperate when talking to women?”

…which was a good start, but it was still the wrong question. Eventually, I started having more luck talking to women when I stopped asking myself that question and started asking this one:

“How do I stop being desperate when talking to women?”

The first question asks how to make yourself appear outcome-independent, and the second question asks how to actually become outcome-independent. It’s a subtle difference, but a very important one. You cannot fake being outcome-independent. Women can spot that type of inauthenticity a mile away.

Once you’ve stopped asking how to get women attracted to you, and instead started asking how to become more attractive to women, you’re on the right track. Here’s my favorite principle for becoming confidently outcome-independent.

I call it the “Awesome Alternative Principle”, and it goes like this…

The Awesome Alternative Principle

Say that today is Tuesday, and you’re talking to a woman that you’d like to take out on a date this Saturday night. You’re feeling a bit nervous about approaching her and asking her out. After all, what if she turns you down?

That’s why you prepare your Awesome Alternative. This can be any activity or hobby that you would genuinely enjoy doing by yourself on a Saturday night, just in case she does turn you down. Some examples of Awesome Alternatives that I always used are…

…pouring myself a cup of wine and reading some books…

…wrapping myself in a blanket and having a gaming marathon…

…or, trying to cook a new dish that I’ve never made before.

You see, none of these are anything super complicated. Just fun, simple little activities that I genuinely enjoy doing. Feel free to steal my Awesome Alternatives or pick your own.

Just make sure that your Awesome Alternatives are things that you positively, genuinely enjoy doing. Don’t resort to activities that simply numb the pain. Reading books while drinking a small glass of wine makes me feel good. On the other hand, binge-drinking beer until I feel sick because I feel lonely is just numbing the pain.

There’s a two-fold benefit for having an Awesome Alternative prepared. First, it gives you a fun backup activity to do in case she happens to turn you down. She doesn’t want to go on a date this Saturday night? That’s cool—just do your Awesome Alternative instead.

Second, and most important, having your Awesome Alternative ready in your back pocket makes it more likely that she will agree to go out with you. You’ll naturally become more confident, and your hobbies will make you a more interesting person. Women love men who are interesting!

At the end of the day, I do hope that you find that special someone you’re able to spend the holidays with. Keep your Awesome Alternative in your back pocket to make it easier to talk to women. And if, for whatever reason, you don’t happen to find your special someone in time for the holidays—use the Awesome Alternative Principle to enjoy the holidays regardless.

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