Let’s talk about confidence.

Women always say that they love confidence in guys. As I was growing up, it always felt like women would always go for the guys who were more confident and outgoing. Whenever I had a crush on someone, most of the time I would be too scared to ask her out. My mind would tell me things like “she probably already has a boyfriend,” and if I did try to talk to her then I would become super awkward and would barely even be able to say anything.

This makes it especially difficult because as a guy, you’re the one who’s expected to be the initiator. You’re the one who’s expected to approach her, begin the conversation, ask her out, and so on. This also means that you’re the one who risks being rejected every step of the way. If I tried to ask her out, I would never have enough confidence while talking to her to get her to out with me. And when she rejected me, this lowered my confidence even more and made it even harder to talk to the next person that I liked.

For guys that have had relationships in the past or who often go on dates, it’s easier to be confident because the fact that they’ve had a girlfriend before or have been dating a lot of women provides a confidence and self-esteem boost. They know that they’re attractive already. But what about those of us who have never had a girlfriend before or who struggle to even get a first date?

How are we supposed to be confident then?

I’m not going to give you some generic advice such as “man up” or “grow a pair.” You’ve probably already heard that enough times already. Instead, I’m going to show you how I learned to be confident. There are three steps, and along the way we’re going to gain the Triforce of Wisdom, Courage, and Power and become the hero that Hyrule needs.

Are you ready? I hope so. Zelda is counting on you!

Understand The Psychology of Confidence (The Triforce of Wisdom)

The first step is to understand how the psychology of confidence works. Simply put, confidence reflects how much faith you have in yourself that you are able to complete a task successfully. This is influenced by your experience as well as the amount of risk involved, and it’s an evolutionary survival tool designed for keeping you out of trouble. Imagine that you’re in the forest with a friend and the two of you see a bear approaching. Your friend believes that he’s stronger than the bear and decides to fight it head-on. You, on the other hand, don’t feel confident about the idea of doing so. Instead, you decide to hide until the bear passes you by. One of you is going to be okay and the other…probably not so much.

In order to improve your confidence, you need to build the relevant skills and experience that allow you to  have more faith in yourself around what you are trying to accomplish. Think about your favorite video game from your childhood. Do you remember how you felt when you faced the first enemy from that game? The first boss? You probably felt a little nervous or unsure of yourself. How would you feel if you picked up that same video game and played it again today? I bet you’d be a lot more confident.

When I was five years old, I was playing Super Mario 64 for the first time and I made it to the Whomp King boss on the second level. It looked like a giant rectangular wall with arms, feet, and an angry face and it was terrifying to me at five years old.

I had no idea how to beat him and didn’t realize that you were supposed to ground pound him three times. I tried to punch him, but Mario’s fist just bounced off him. Then I tried kicking him, but again Mario just bounced off him. Next I tried diving towards him but that had no effect either. The Whomp King finally responded by slamming Mario into the ground and killing him. The screen faded to black and Bowser’s taunting laugh filled the air. Then I started to cry, I yelled for my mom, and I swore that I would never ever touch that game again.

Of course, I’m a lot better at Super Mario 64 today. By now, I know the attack patterns and weak spots of all the bosses in the game. I’ve collected all 120 Power Stars in the game and rescued Princess Peach multiple times. Even today, I still have a rough memory of where every star is located. Given all of that, I have a lot more faith in my Super Mario 64 abilities today than I did at five years old. I’m more confident today than I was back then.

Let’s apply this to dating. Confidence around dating involves gaining the skills and experiences that allow you to have more faith in yourself around women. One of the most powerful ways for you to approach this is to adopt a growth mindset (coined by psychologist Carol Dweck.) Someone who has a growth mindset knows that their skills and abilities can be improved if they just work at it. They understand that just because they’re bad at something now doesn’t mean that they’re bad at it forever.  They see failure as opportunities for improvement rather than becoming discouraged by it.

That’s what the growth mindset looks like.

The opposite is a fixed mindset. Someone with a fixed mindset believes that their skills and abilities can’t be changed. They might say things like “I just don’t have what takes” or “I’ll never be as good as he is” or “I’m just not good at this.” Each of these sentences implies some sort of helplessness. When I lost to the Whomp King on the second level of Super Mario 64, I displayed a fixed mindset when I swore that I would never play the game again.

It might take some time to tear down the scripts that you’ve built for yourself, especially if you’ve been following them since you were young. As you learn to recognize these types of thoughts as they pop up and then realize that they aren’t true, you’ll slowly be able to adopt the new mindset.

Congrats! You’ve learned the psychology of confidence and gained the Triforce of Wisdom!

Give Compliments to Strangers (The Triforce of Courage)

The next step is to build up your courage by doing some drive-by compliments. To do this, you give someone a compliment and then vanish. Like a friendly Boo.

Here are some examples:

• Nice shirt/shoes/pants/jacket!
• Your hair is awesome!
• You are a handsome man!
• Looking good!
• Your dog is so cute!

This sounds deceptively simple and yet is really awesome. First and foremost, you cannot possibly be shot down by the people that you approach. Since you are not asking for anything, you risk no social rejection. And you will long be on your merry way before it can ever become awkward.

In addition, you probably made the day of everyone that you complimented. Think about it, the person you just talked to might have been having a really rough day. Suddenly, you step out of the shadows and brighten their mood with a compliment before disappearing into the night again. You’re now the mysterious stranger who went out of his way to make someone else’s day better.

Like Batman. Seriously! (Bonus points if you actually do this dressed as Batman.)

Now, the first few times you do this may feel daunting. That’s perfectly okay! When I first started giving out drive-by compliments, I was absolutely terrified. I tried to say “Looking good” to a jogger as he ran past me but I was so nervous that my voice squeaked as if I had just taken a huge breath of helium. Yikes!

After I did this a few times, my fear of approaching people started to melt away. It quickly became much easier to go up to strangers and interact with them. And seeing the smiles on the faces of everyone you talk to really makes it worth it!

Now I want you to go up to 10 strangers, give them a genuine compliment, and then disappear. Do this and you will earn the Triforce of Courage!

Level Up Your Social Skills (The Triforce of Power)

This is it! The final dungeon where we get the last piece of the Triforce and become the hero that Hyrule needs! Are you ready?

The next step is to begin some random conversations with strangers. This is a little more daunting than drive by compliments. Here, you can get rejected. You can get shot down. And it is possible to make it totally awkward.

That’s okay. Remember that we’re using a growth mindset. When you lose a life while playing Super Mario Bros, do you turn the game off and never play it again? Of course not! You dust yourself off, learn what didn’t work so well, and try again! It’s the same thing here. If you try to start a conversation with someone and it ends up becoming awkward, that’s okay. Don’t get down on yourself, and instead try to understand why it didn’t go so well. Did you say something that killed the conversation? Did you try to make a joke or tell a story that didn’t quite hit the mark? Maybe it wasn’t anything you did and the other person just didn’t feel like talking.

My recommendation is to start small. Link fought many Octoroks before he dared to take on Ganon. Instead of starting off by trying to chat up Megan Fox or Scarlet Johansson, set the bar a little lower and just try talking to the cashier the next time you go grocery shopping. Ask her how her day is. Maybe she’ll engage you. Or maybe not, which is also completely fine.

After that, I suggest stepping it up a little bit. The next time you are waiting in line at the coffee shop, turn to the person next to you and introduce yourself. Another conversation starter you can try is to compliment someone and then asking them a related question instead of disappearing. So, you could say something like “Nice shirt! Is it new?” or “Your dog is so cute! What kind of dog is he?”

In my experience, talking about weather kills conversations. It’s cliche and impersonal to try to have a conversation about the weather. On the other hand, asking people questions about themselves often gives me good results. Everyone has an ego. If you can tap into someone else’s ego by asking them about themselves and then showing that you’re interested in what they have to say, they’ll probably talk your ear off.

I want you to get out there and start 10 conversations with people you do not know. You’ll get some practice talking to people and you’ll become skilled at making a conversation flow and keeping it engaging. Do this and the Triforce of Power will be yours.

Congratulations! You’ve completed the Triforce.

Rescuing the Princess

Did going through these three exercises really help me become more confident? Let me show you.

A few years ago, I was in the library and I happened to see a stunningly gorgeous woman using one of the computers. The old Steve would have sat there paralyzed, unable to go up and talk to her. But this time was different.

This time I didn’t worry about being rejected or getting embarrassed. I didn’t feel a crippling fear holding me back or hear that voice in my head telling me that she’ll probably just turn me down. And you know what the best part was? For the first time, I was able to relax and just have fun talking to someone I liked. Today we’re married with a two-year old!!

Once you perfect the art of going up to random strangers and starting conversations, you’re going to build up a lot of faith in yourself. This will naturally make you more confident. At this point, you’re just a hop, skip, and jump away from chatting up that woman you have your eyes on.

Get out there and start gathering the Triforce. Your princess is waiting for you to go rescue her!!