How do you tell the difference if she’s flirting with you or just being polite? I was always horrible at that.

My friends would sometimes tell me that “such-and-such” had a crush on me, or that another woman I was talking to actually was trying to hit on me, but I never really believed them. I thought my friends were just trying to be nice and “psyche me up”. It just seemed like the women I was talking to were simply being friendly.

Looking back I think a lot of it was just fear of rejection. I would psyche myself out of it and tell myself “she’s probably just being friendly”, “she’s probably not interested”, or “she probably already has a boyfriend” even when in hindsight it was obvious that she was flirting.

• One time, a female friend texted me at 10pm saying she was going through a rough break-up and asked me if I was free that night. I told her “No, it’s late. I’m going to bed. See you later.”
• Another female friend invited me to her apartment for board games, cooked dinner for me, and then spelled out “want sex” on a Scrabble board. My response? “Okay, that’s +19 points for you.”

And that’s why I was single for so long…

So, how do you know when someone is flirting with you? And how do you flirt back?

A large-scale study in the U.S. and Norway aimed to do just that (​Kennair et al., 2022​). They found that the single, most-effective flirting tactic for men—including both short-term flings and long-term relationships—was getting her to laugh.

In other words: If she laughs at your jokes then she is probably interested in you.

In my experience, this has turned out to be true. One of my most memorable relationships was with a woman from Wisconsin who was QUITE sexually liberal. On our second date, we talked about where we came from.

“You’re from Chicago, huh? Land of Lincoln!” she said.

“That’s right! How was it for you growing up in Wisconsin?” I asked.

“Oh, it was great growing up in the…umm…” she stammered, “…what’s our state slogan again?”

“We Have Cheese!” I exclaimed.

She doubled over laughing and had to catch her breath for several seconds. Some time later after our third date, she invited herself into my apartment and we spent that night on my bed holding each other for warmth with the film “Jerry Maguire” playing in the background.

Oh what a night!!

(btw I just Googled Wisconsin’s state slogan and it’s “America’s Dairyland”. I was close!!)

I just thought I told a REALLY good joke at the time. Turns out I’m really terrible at telling jokes. There have been times where I’ve told a joke and then my friends would tell me—out loud—“Steve, that wasn’t funny at all.”

Seriously, who says that out loud!? My friends, apparently.

And my wife.

The other day, my toddler climbed into a laundry basket and started SCREAMING at the top of her lungs for no apparent reason. I tried calming her down several times but she kept yelling as loud as she could. I told her,

“Sweetheart, if you keep screaming like that your hair’s going to turn yellow!!”

My wife burst out laughing. I felt good about myself because I thought my joke was awesome! After she caught her breath, however, she said,

“I don’t get it. Why would her hair turn yellow?”

Gee, thanks hon.

Looks like there’s some truth to that old Marilyn Monroe quote, “If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything” (…hold up, I just Googled that quote and she may not have actually said that. Let me ask Mandela who died in prison.)

What other signals might you want to look out for?

According to the study, some of the other best signals that show she’s interested romantically in a long-term relationship context are:

• Laughing at your jokes
• Showing interest in your conversations
• She spends time with you
• She engages in deep conversations with you
• She’s willing to kiss you

And some other flirting signals that show she’s interested in you sexually are:

• She’s willing to kiss you
• She rubs against you
• She makes body contact with you
• She dances with you
• She touches your arm

(Keep in mind that sexual interest is not necessarily the same as romantic interest).

The list is quite similar for men, actually. If you’re interested in her romantically in a long-term relationship context then some of the best flirting tactics include:

• Making her laugh
• Spending time with her
• Showing interest in conversations with her
• Engaging in deep conversations with her
• Smiling

(You can see the full list of flirting tactics and their effectiveness over on the published study ​here​.)

This makes sense intuitively. When it comes to finding a girlfriend, wife, romantic partner, etc., a lot of us want someone that we’re not only sexually compatible with but also someone who can also be our “best friend” and share love and fun times with – including deep conversations that explore each other’s beliefs, opinions, backstories, and feelings.

When we talk to people that we don’t care to know well, we might keep the conversation more impersonal. We use routine sayings (“How are you?” “Good, and you?” “Good”) or easily observable facts (“The weather is nice today”). Impersonal responses such as these show that we’re not hostile, but they also keep people we don’t know very well at a conversational arm’s length.

On the other hand, when we’re interested in the other person on a romantic level, we talk about more personal stuff. She might ask you open-ended questions about yourself:

• “What are your hobbies?”
• “What do you like to do?”
• “What’s your favorite movie/book/music?”

This is a sign that she wants to know you on a deeper level. She’s trying to better understand who you are.

Watch for flirting signals like these that show she’s interested in you – especially deep conversations & laughing at your jokes! Try making her laugh, spending time with her, talking to her, and smiling at her. Put yourself out there enough and you just might find someone who likes you back.