So, was there a class on flirting that I missed when I was younger? It seemed like everyone else already knew how to do it and get into relationships. And whenever I tried to get advice, all I heard was “learn to flirt” with no explanation.

Today I have both a long answer and short answer for you. The long answer is quite technical and scientific…but it’s also a great read so I’d recommend checking it out when you got a sec.

And for the short answer—

I’m going to do something I don’t usually do and recommend a specific flirting technique that you can use today from former-pickup-artist Mark Manson’s book Models called “cold reading”.

Now, I have A LOT of contempt for PUA and it’s not something I would typically touch with a 10-foot pole. It’s also been scientifically proven that everyone’s flirting style is also different, so recommending a specific flirting technique for everyone—especially one from the world of PUA—seems like a weird thing for me to do.

So, what gives?

I’ve previously written that dating advice which appears independently in multiple places—especially outside of the realm of dating advice—is generally worth following. Cold reading happens to fit that bill. In the book Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss describes a similar technique he calls “labeling” or “tactical empathy” that he used to negotiate with hostage-takers back when he worked for the FBI.

You might even see this sort of technique in the world of competitive gaming (yes, really) where it’s called a “hard read” or “reading your opponent”. I’ve done it myself in many online competitions.

Seem like something worth knowing? Let’s get into it!

Cold Reading — What is it?

A cold read is when you make a predictive statement about someone as a way to open or carry on the conversation. For example, say you meet someone interesting at a Meetup about board games. You might begin the conversation by going up to them and saying:

“You look like you come here a lot. I bet you know a lot of board games.”

See how this comes off as more interesting than asking the same thing as a question?

“Do you come here a lot? Do you know any interesting board games?”

Saying this in question form almost feels like you’re in a job interview. Presenting it as a predictive statement, however, shows you’re interested in her because it’s clear you’ve observed something about her and are trying to empathize.

If your “cold read” is correct, she might respond by saying something like:

“Why, yes! My brother and I loved playing Clue all the time when we were younger…”

And whatever her response is, you can continue the conversation by encouraging her to talk more about it!! But what if your read was wrong? Is she going to jump up and start yelling at you for guessing at how she feels? Not at all! She’ll most likely just gently correct you:

“Oh, actually this is my first time coming here. What about you?”

And from there you’ll be able to continue the conversation as well.

(Note that sometimes she’s just not interested in talking. You’ll know this if you get a low-energy-one-or-two-word response. That’s OK! Just politely excuse yourself from the conversation.)

This is a great flirting technique because it’s easy and effective. You can do this right away even if you’ve never dated before!

It’s also incredibly versatile. In Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss describes how he used a similar technique to negotiate the release of hostages during his tenure at the FBI. If you’re talking to a group of thugs that have taken hostages and you’re trying to get rescue everyone without bloodshed, which one of these statements sounds more disarming to you?

“It looks like you don’t want to come out. It seems like you worry that if you open the door, we’ll come in with guns blazing. It looks like you don’t want to go back to jail.”

—–vs—–

“Come OUT with your hands UP or we will SHOOT!!”

Exactly!!

This even works in competitive gaming! I’d describe it myself but I think this Futurama meme sums it up better than I could:

Give this technique a go!! Try striking up a conversation with someone new and see if they engage. You can even try using this with someone you already know and see if they open up to you.

For more on how to flirt — including the EXACT method I used to flirt with women — check out The Quietly Romantic Guide to Talking to Women. Just enter your email below and I’ll send it over to you.