Have you ever thought about how dangerous the modern world is?

You’re probably reading this email on your computer or phone right now. You would have had to plug in whatever device you’re reading this email on. If your fingers were just 1 or 2 centimeters off the mark, you could have fried yourself!

What an incredibly dangerous task! I’m sure you didn’t even think twice about pulling it off. That’s because you’ve already demonstrated to the part of your brain which controls confidence that you are capable of performing such a task.

The science behind where confidence comes from

That part of your brain is called the amygdala and it’s responsible for regulating your body’s emotional responses. One of those responses is fear and confidence. Its task is to keep you alive by making you feel unconfident around situations it believes you are not equipped to handle.

Now I’m not going to lie, sometimes I wish we could turn it off!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had an important exam, or a job interview, or even a competitive event and I’ve got nervous and screwed everything up.

Well, it doesn’t work that way. Exams, interviews, competitions are all foreign concepts to such an ancient part of our brain. What it—does—understand is risk. If you were a caveman facing down a wooly mammoth, what might you be feeling?

It would depend on how risky it was!

Are you alone and unarmed? That mammoth is going to stomp you flat. Your brain would probably be screaming at you to get out of there!!

On the other hand – if you had your whole squad backing you up and you all had spears, you might feel a bit more confident. This would especially be true if you’ve successfully hunted mammoth before.

The amygdala was meant to protect us from risk during our caveman days because risk literally meant life-or-death back then. We didn’t have access to antiseptics, antibiotics, or anticoagulants back then so even the smallest cut that got infected could mean death.

(okay I don’t actually know what an anticoagulant is I just REALLY wanted that alliteration.)

That’s why trying to “psyche ourselves up” or “fake it until we make it” when we’re feeling nervous often fails. If you’ve got no spear and you’re facing down that mammoth alone – you can say all the positive affirmations you want but you’re still no match for that thing!

Confidence and social risk

There’s a bit in one of the old episodes of Friends where Chandler feels nervous about asking out a woman he’s interested in and his friends try to encourage him by asking “what’s the worst that could happen?”.

He responds, “I could die!!”

It’s a hilarious exaggeration but it’s also relatable because back in our caveman days, you—could—die if you lost the social approval of your community. Remember our friend Stompy the Mammoth from eight paragraphs ago? How taking him down only seems doable if you’ve got your tribe backing you up??

If your tribe abandoned you back then…you were never eating again!

That’s why we might feel deathly unconfident when trying to talk to a woman we’re interested in. For some of us, it goes even further and manifests itself as a form of negative self-talk such as “she probably already has a boyfriend” or “you’re inferior for even trying because other people have relationships and you’re struggling to get a first date”.

Hey, it’s just trying to keep you alive!

Between plugging in your computer and asking out a woman you’re interested in, one of those could potentially kill you and the other would only leave you feeling mildly embarrassed. I’m sure you know which is which.

But that’s not how it feels, is it?

That’s because you’ve demonstrated to your amygdala—thousands of times—that you’re able to plug things into the wall without electrocuting yourself. On the other hand, talking to a woman that you’re interested in is always going to be a novel experience. That’s what makes it so scary!

Where’s the On/Off switch for that part of our brain again?

…

…

…

Oh right, there isn’t one.

Ugh!

Even if we can’t turn off that part of our brain, there are still ways to dramatically increase how confident we feel.

Here are three ways that worked for me.

How to finally feel confident around women

First, I slowly eased myself into it. Talking to women is terrifying? No problem! I started out by:

• Simply inviting a male coworker to grab coffee during work together. Nice and easy!
• Then, I leveled up by asking out a male coworker to something outside business hours (we were both interns at the same company and I invited him to go bowling after work).
• The next step was asking out a male acquaintance to something I thought he would enjoy (we were part of the same sports club and I asked if he wanted to go to Dave & Busters that night. We had a blast!!)

You see I slowly leveled up my social confidence so when I finally got to asking out a woman I was interested in — it just felt like another step in the process.

Second, I would thank my amygdala for showing up and doing its job whenever it gave me negative self-talk. Hey, it’s just trying to keep you safe! Sometimes, it does have a point. You may have heard me talk about something I call The ABC Confidence principle: if it’s telling you not to talk to her because you don’t know how to — and it turns out you actually don’t know how to — it might be worth listening to!! Otherwise, whenever the unhelpful negative self-talk came up such as “she probably has a boyfriend” or “you’re inferior because other people have relationships and you’re struggling to get a first date”, I would literally just say “thanks brain” and move on.

Finally, I would find a way to treat myself regardless of the outcome. You may have heard me refer to this as Finding your Awesome Alternative. I would find an activity that I genuinely loved and put it in the same time slot that I was asking her out to. That way if she turned me down, I would still be able to reward myself for having the courage to talk to her. And if she said yes, I’d have to cancel my own plans with myself to go out with a woman I was interested in (oh no!!)

Try these three methods out for yourself! You might be surprised how you feel afterwards. I believe in you!!